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For many people, the reason they work hard is to earn money. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.2

For many people, the reason they work hard is to earn money. v. 2
It is irrefutable that health is the biggest jewel one can possess. People often consider sugar as a slow poison, being said that, there is a debate going on among a different group of people. Some people consider that the government should take initiatives to keep sugar consumption under control. While others argue that it is a responsibility of an individual to keep track of one's health. I tend to agree with the latter part of the argument and in this essay, will present my views with examples. The most significant step that the government bodies can take is passing an amendment to limit sugar in soft drinks. This would help in restricting the sugar contents among all the soft drinks. For example, it has been discovered that soda's are considered as the biggest source of rising obesity, especially in the developed countries. It is because, most of these products, helps in getting rid of food cravings. As a result, a large percentage of people skip their meal and lack nutrients to maintain health. On the other hand, everyone should give priority to their health. Nowadays, fast food has gained so much attention, as it is easy to get and saves time. People around the globe have forgotten the downside of fast food. To illustrate this, a regular McDonalds meal of two-hundred calories, contains fifty percent more sugar, in contrast to a meal cooked at home of equivalent calories. As a consequence, everyone is less prone to being healthy and more attracted to viruses. In conclusion, the government support is a huge plus in maintaining a healthy country, by restricting sugar. In my opinion, everyone's health begins at home and it takes one's own effort to maintain it. We should conserve our health in a similar manner as we conserve our treasures.
It is irrefutable that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
is the biggest jewel one can possess.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
consider
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sugar
as a slow poison,
being said
that, there is a debate going on among a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
group of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
consider that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should take initiatives to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sugar
consumption under control.
“While” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
While
others argue that it is a responsibility of an individual to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
track
of one's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
. I tend to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the latter part of the argument and in this essay, will present my views with examples.

The most significant step that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
bodies can take is passing an amendment to limit
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sugar
in soft drinks. This would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
in restricting the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sugar
contents among all the soft drinks.
For example
, it has
been discovered
that soda's
are considered
as the biggest source of rising obesity,
especially
in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developed countries
. It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
, most of these products,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
in getting rid of food cravings.
As a result
, a large percentage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
skip their meal and lack nutrients to maintain health.

On the other hand
, everyone should give priority to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
. Nowadays,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
food has gained
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
much attention, as it is easy to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
and saves time.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
around the globe have forgotten the downside of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
food. To illustrate this, a regular
Did you mean the fast food chain "McDonald's" (always spelled with a possessive apostrophe)?
McDonalds
meal of two-hundred calories, contains fifty percent more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sugar
,
in contrast
to a meal cooked at home of equivalent calories. As a consequence, everyone is less prone to being healthy and more attracted to viruses.

In conclusion
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
support is a huge plus in maintaining a healthy country, by restricting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sugar
. In my opinion, everyone's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begins
at home and it takes one's
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
effort to maintain it. We should conserve our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
Consider replacing "in a similar manner" with the adverb for "similar"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in a similar manner
as we conserve our treasures.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Language is to the mind more than light is to the eye.
William Gibson

IELTS essay For many people, the reason they work hard is to earn money. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
302 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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