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The line graph shows visits to and from the UK from 1979 to 1999. The bar chart shows the most popular contries visited by UK residents in 1999. v.1

The line graph shows visits to and from the UK from 1979 to 1999. The bar chart shows the most popular contries visited by UK residents in 1999. v. 1
Although many people believe that these days an individual's worth is considered by its status in a society and its bank balance, whereas values like integrity and trust never been taken into account. I am inclined to firmly concur with this assertion that values are not being considered important. The essay will justify my inclination in the subsequent paragraphs. Firstly, the strongest one to prove my view is a materialistic approach adopted by society in order to assess the person's stature. This is because many people in the community have different interest associated with that individual, especially in developing countries where the money is given importance. For example, in Pakistan society, political leaders are elected based on wealth, status and power. Secondly, the poverty ratio, which is on the rise. Owing to this, many poor people indulge in the inferiority complex and the Feudalist use their wealth and social contacts to put them under their influence. To illustrate, Punjab Police in Pakistan is used by the feudal to exert pressure on the opponents and poor people to make them realize their social contact and power. Besides this, the trend of nuclear families is growing in the urban cities and there is an absence of older people in the families who can teach children about the values, norms, and ethics of living in the communities. Furthermore, parents spend less time with their children and more time at work to meet the needs of the family, therefore, children and young people are deprived of learning important life lessons. Through my own experience, I have seen that parents busy with multiple jobs tend to give less attention at home and the quality time to teach these values are no more at priority. To conclude the aforementioned, I am predisposed to argue that societies are considering the wealth and social power to judge a person's status and neglecting the imperative social norms and values which is detrimental to the community at large.
Although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that these days an individual's worth
is considered
by its status in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
and its bank balance, whereas values like integrity and trust never
been taken
into account. I
am inclined
to
firmly
concur with this assertion that values are not
being considered
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
. The essay will justify my inclination in the subsequent paragraphs.

Firstly
, the strongest one to prove my view is a materialistic approach adopted by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
in order to assess the person's stature. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in the community have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
interest associated with that individual,
especially
in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developing countries
where the money is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
importance.
For example
, in Pakistan
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
, political leaders
are elected
based on wealth, status and power.

Secondly
, the poverty ratio, which is on the rise. Owing to this,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
indulge in the inferiority complex and the
Possible spelling mistake found.
Feudalist
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
their wealth and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
contacts to put them under their influence. To illustrate, Punjab Police in Pakistan is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
by the feudal to exert pressure on the opponents and poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them realize their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
contact and power.

Besides
this, the trend of nuclear families is growing in the urban cities and there is an absence of older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in the families who can teach children about the values, norms, and ethics of living in the communities.
Furthermore
, parents spend less time with their children and more time at work to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
the needs of the family,
therefore
, children and young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are deprived
of learning
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
life lessons. Through my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
experience, I have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
that parents busy with multiple jobs tend to give less attention at home and the quality time to teach these values are no more at priority.

To conclude
the aforementioned, I
am predisposed
to argue that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
societies
are considering the wealth and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
power to judge a person's status and neglecting the imperative
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
norms and values which is detrimental to the community at large.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay The line graph shows visits to and from the UK from 1979 to 1999. The bar chart shows the most popular contries visited by UK residents in 1999. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
328 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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