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Agree or disagree? Because the world changing so quickly, people now are less happy or less satisfied with their lives than people were in the past. v.1

Agree or disagree? Because the world changing so quickly, people now are less happy or less satisfied with their lives than people were in the past. v. 1
These days, many people are doing their own business instead of working for private sectors or institutions. There are several reasons why people choose self-employments; however, there have many drawbacks of being self-employed. There are two main reasons why people want to do their own business. The main reason is for earning lots of money. Running their own business gives them a chance to make more money because they don't need to share their profits with others, the harder they can work, the more profit they will get. The second reason is for independence and freedom. People will be free from undune pressure on boss such as they do not need to worry about making the profit to meet with the target goal of their products at a given time that forced by their employers. Therefore, a lot of people are choosing self-employment for getting more money and being independence. Nevertheless, there are some problems to be self-employed. They have to take on more responsibility for many issues such as finical crisis, customers and worker problems. So, they will be stressful for taking action on these problems. Unless they careful for such issue, they would be bankrupt and finally they will become unemployed. Furthermore, if a person work full time job for long hours, he will not have enough time for family and friends, so he will be isolated and distant with his environment. In conclusion, choosing their own employment would be paid more money and freedom, however, there has some disadvantages that they can suffer from their work such as full of stress and isolation.
These days,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are doing their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
business
instead
of working for private sectors or institutions. There are several
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reasons
why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
choose self-employments;
however
, there have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
drawbacks of being self-employed.

There are two main
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reasons
why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
want to do their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
business. The main
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reason
is for earning lots of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
. Running their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
business gives them a chance to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they don't need to share their profits with others, the harder they can work, the more profit they will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
. The second
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reason
is for independence and freedom.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
will be free from
Possible spelling mistake found.
undune
pressure on boss such as they do not need to worry about making the profit to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
with the target goal of their products at a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
time that forced by their employers.
Therefore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are choosing self-employment for getting more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
and being independence.

Nevertheless
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
problems to be self-employed. They
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
take on more responsibility for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
issues such as finical crisis, customers and worker problems.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, they will be stressful for taking action on these problems. Unless they
The usual collocation for "careful" is "with" not "for". Did you mean "careful with"?
careful for
such issue, they would be bankrupt and
finally
they will become unemployed.
Furthermore
, if a person work full time job for long hours, he will not have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
time for family and friends,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
he will
be isolated
and distant with his environment.

In conclusion
, choosing their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
employment would
be paid
more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
and freedom,
however
, there has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
disadvantages that they can suffer from their work such as full of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
and isolation.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Agree or disagree? Because the world changing so quickly, people now are less happy or less satisfied with their lives than people were in the past. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
266 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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