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The line graph shows the number of annual visits to Australia by overseas residents. The table below gives information on the country of origin where the visitors came from. v.1

The line graph shows the number of annual visits to Australia by overseas residents. The table below gives information on the country of origin where the visitors came from. v. 1
There are various factor plays a crucial role in a country. Some people concur that economic progress is the paramount factor for nation success, whereas others believe including me that other factors are important for country progress. I shall discuss both perspectives in the upcoming paragraph. In my opinion, other factors are important for the country's progress. To begin with, some people think that including me there are many factors that affect the country's progress. There are a plethora of factors such as a good education system, low level of crime rate as well as new health care facilities and equipment consider for nation progress. The education system plays a vital role in nation success because of good education systems of the country give a higher number of jobs and people don't face the unemployment problems as well as they fulfil their dreams and wishes by their earning salary. Moreover, health care facilities lead abate life-threatening diseases such as AIDS, cancer and many other diseases. If a nation has good health care facilities so people live a better life and also would be improved in their lifespan. The good education systems lead good job opportunities also it would be helpful for deteriorating the crime rates in the country which also important for the country's progress. If the national employment rate is high so more and more people pay a tax for their own nation which helps the government to improve in amenities. On the other hand, some people thank that economic progress is an important factor for countries' success. There are many reasons behind it which I shall discuss in this paragraph. First and foremost, economic is an important factor for country progress because in recent time good economic progress nation considers the successful nation because the nation has the money power so the government can utilize that money for the upbringing for the nation and it would be helpful for the welfare public because authority can utilize the money in improvement in basic amenities such as good road services and transportation. In conclusion, there are many factors considered nation success such as a good education system, health care facilities as well as low crime rates. As per my perspective, good education system and health care facilities are the most important factor for the country progress instead of the economic factor.
There are various
Possible agreement error. Did you mean "factors"?
factor
plays a crucial role in a
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country
.
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Some
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people
concur that
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economic
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progress
is the paramount
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factor
for
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nation
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success
, whereas others believe including me that
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other
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factors
are
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important
for
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country
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progress
. I shall discuss both perspectives in the upcoming paragraph. In my opinion,
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other
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factors
are
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important
for the country's progress.

To
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begin
with,
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some
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people
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think
that including me there are
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many
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factors
that affect the country's
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progress
. There are a plethora of
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factors
such as a
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good
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education
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system
, low level of crime
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rate
as well
as new
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health
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care
facilities and equipment consider for
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nation
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progress
. The
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education
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system
plays a vital role in
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nation
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of
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good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
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systems
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
give a higher number of jobs and
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people
don't face the unemployment problems
as well
as they fulfil their dreams and wishes by their earning salary.
Moreover
,
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health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
facilities lead abate life-threatening diseases such as AIDS, cancer and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
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other
diseases. If a
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nation
has
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good
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health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
facilities
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so
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people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
a better life and
also
would be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
in their lifespan. The
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good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
systems
lead
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
job opportunities
also
it would be helpful for deteriorating the crime
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rates
in the
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country
which
also
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important
for the country's
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progress
. If the national employment
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rate
is high
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
more and more
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people
pay a tax for their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
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nation
which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
in amenities.

On the
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other
hand,
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some
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people
thank that
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economic
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progress
is an
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important
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factor
for countries'
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success
. There are
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many
reasons behind it which I shall discuss in this paragraph.
First
and foremost,
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economic
is an
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important
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factor
for
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country
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progress
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
in recent time
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good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
economic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
progress
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nation
considers the successful
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nation
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the
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nation
has the money power
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
can utilize that money for the upbringing for the
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nation
and it would be helpful for the welfare public
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
authority can utilize the money in improvement in basic amenities such as
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good
road services and transportation.

In conclusion
, there are
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many
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factors
considered
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nation
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success
such as a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
system
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
facilities
as well
as low crime
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rates
. As per my perspective,
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good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
system
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
facilities are the most
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important
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factor
for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
progress
instead
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
economic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factor
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay The line graph shows the number of annual visits to Australia by overseas residents. The table below gives information on the country of origin where the visitors came from. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
391 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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