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agree or disagree: Immigrants to a country should be forced to learn that country's language. v.1

agree or disagree: Immigrants to a country should be forced to learn that country's language. v. 1
Many people argue about the right age for the retirement, according to some, it should be same for all, while others are of the opinion that the profession of an individual should be the criteria to choose the retirement age. In my opinion, for those who works in the industries which demand a high level of physical and mental work should be given early retirement and in this essay, I will provide arguments and examples to support my view. Firstly, the idea of standard retirement age for all professionals is certainly flawed. This is because different jobs require different skills. For example, people working in a police department are demanding to have high physical fitness, but since fitness levels decrease with age, they should be given early retirement. Secondly, some job requires a high level of concentration and as age increases the ability to focus on one thing for hours decreases. For example, commercial pilots, they have to stay focused for hours and since attention spans tend to decrease as people age, they cannot be allowed to work into their 60's. Likewise there are many sectors in which people should get early retirement; for example Defence sector, construction and mine worker as their job is physically very challenging. Moreover, drivers and security guards have mentally stressful jobs and hence their retirement age should also be decreased To conclude, a set retirement age for all is not feasible and people working in industries that demand higher level of physical and mental fitness should be given an early retirement. In my opinion, government should consider the nature of the job before deciding the retirement age of any sector.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
argue about the right
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirement
, according to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
, it should be same for all, while others are of the opinion that the profession of an individual should be the criteria to choose the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirement
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
. In my opinion, for those who works in the industries which demand a high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
level
of physical and mental work should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
early
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirement
and in this essay, I will provide arguments and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
examples
to support my view.

Firstly
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
of standard
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirement
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
for all professionals is
certainly
flawed. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
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jobs
require
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
. For
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example
,
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people
working in a police department are demanding to have high physical fitness,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
since fitness
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levels
decrease with
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age
, they should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
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early
retirement.

Secondly
,
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some
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job
requires a high
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level
of concentration and as
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age
increases the ability to focus on one thing for hours decreases. For
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
example
, commercial pilots, they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
stay focused for hours and since attention spans tend to decrease as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
, they cannot be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to work into their
Apostrophes aren't needed for decades: "60s".
60's
.

Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Likewise
there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
sectors in which
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people
should
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get
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early
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retirement
; for
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example
Possible spelling mistake. 'Defence' is British English.
Defence
sector, construction and mine worker as their
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job
is
physically
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
challenging.
Moreover
, drivers and security guards have mentally stressful
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jobs
and
hence
their
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retirement
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age
should
also
be decreased


To conclude
, a set
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirement
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
for all is not feasible and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
working in industries that demand higher
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
level
of physical and mental fitness should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
early
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirement
. In my opinion,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should consider the nature of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
deciding the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirement
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
of any sector.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
The most intimate temper of a people, its deepest soul, is above all in its language.
Jules Michelet

IELTS essay agree or disagree: Immigrants to a country should be forced to learn that country's language. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
276 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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