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The line graph shows the number of trips to other countries by UK residents for various purposes between 1989 and 2001 v.1

The line graph shows the number of trips to other countries by UK residents for various purposes between 1989 and 2001 v. 1
Earning a huge amount of wage by eminent sports personalities, compared to other professional workers, is inappropriate because it is right of every skilled person to get capital equally despite knowing the fact that sport is insurmountable in people's lives. I am in consummate accordance with this notion as well. There are a number of reasons to support my view and predominant one is more important to the work of other professions than sports personnel. There is no doubt that other proficient individuals not only serve the citizens of a nation, but also help to boost the economy of the country in the form of their work. Doctors, for example, treat diversified patients in every possible situation and pay their taxes on time which redounds government to facilitate its people. But players do enjoyment and play sports to earn wealth for themselves. In short, being true facilitators, other skilful workers provide more aid in many useful ways. However, some people opine that money earned by renowned sports persons is justifiable because they suffer from severe injuries while playing, just to bring laurels for their country. So, they deserve receiving a hefty amount of earnings in return for their efforts because if they get a serious injury during performance and are not able to pursue their career in sports, they can at least utilize that money for the rest of their life. But I believe that other adepts like soldiers, should get more wages as they safeguard their nation twenty-four seven and sometimes, in unfortunate conditions, sacrifice their lives for saving their citizens. Therefore, giving more salary to popular players than other industrious humans is unjustified. In conclusion, although sports personalities encounter numerous difficulties, just for the pride of their country, I reaffirm that division of pay should be equal among persons pertaining to any profession, considering their hard work.
Earning a huge amount of wage by eminent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
personalities, compared to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
professional workers, is inappropriate
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it is right of every skilled person to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
capital
equally
despite knowing the fact that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
is insurmountable in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
. I am in consummate accordance with this notion
as well
.

There are a number of reasons to support my view and predominant one is more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to the work of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
professions than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
personnel. There is no doubt that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
proficient individuals not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
serve the citizens of a nation,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to boost the economy of the country in the form of their work. Doctors,
for example
, treat diversified patients in every possible situation and pay their taxes on time which redounds
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
to facilitate its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
players do enjoyment and play
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
to earn wealth for themselves. In short, being true facilitators,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
Possible spelling mistake. 'skilful' is British English.
skilful
workers provide more aid in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
useful ways.

However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
opine that money earned by renowned
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
persons is justifiable
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they suffer from severe injuries while playing,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
to bring laurels for their country.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, they deserve
If 'deserve' is used as a verb, it usually requires the infinitive: "to receive".
receiving
a hefty amount of earnings in return for their efforts
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
if they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a serious injury during performance and are not able to pursue their career in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
, they can at least utilize that money for the rest of their life.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
adepts like soldiers, should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
more wages as they safeguard their nation twenty-four seven and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
, in unfortunate conditions, sacrifice their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
for saving their citizens.
Therefore
, giving more salary to popular players than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
industrious humans
is unjustified
.

In conclusion
, although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
personalities encounter numerous difficulties,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
for the pride of their country, I reaffirm that division of pay should be equal among persons pertaining to any profession, considering their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
work.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay The line graph shows the number of trips to other countries by UK residents for various purposes between 1989 and 2001 v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
309 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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