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The line graph shows the cost for watching films The pie charts show the change in the percentage of market share represented by the three forms v.1

The line graph shows the cost for watching films The pie charts show the change in the percentage of market share represented by the three forms v. 1
In this essay, I will discuss about a guy I dislike and the causes that led me to this statement. The person who is going to be discussed is my classmate. I have known him for almost eleven years, which is enough to describe his personality. First of all, he is envious. Whenever someone gets more attention or be more successful than him, he gets irritated and tries to put that individual down. Therefore, he doesn't value other's achievement and acts like as if he is not impressed. For instance, if you say " I passed my exam", he will respond " It is not that hard" instead of congratulating and being happy for you. Moreover, he gets satisfied and relieved when others fail. Secondly, he imposes his view on others. He always tries to prove that the other person is wrong when he encounters someone who is not on the same page with him. He wants to be right, so desperately, he will do anything to give the wrong to that person. Believing too much in his view made him stubborn. He refuses to be advised and instructed regardless of its well meaning. Despite of his detrimental characteristics, has has virtues to admire just like everyone. I will mention his 3 benefits. To begin with, he is consistent. He is the type of person who would never stop until he sees the result of what he puts his mind to. I feel like being consistent is one of the crucial skill to have in life. No matter what you are trying to accomplish in life, there are hundreds of others who are trying to do the same exact thing. For this reason, the one who is consistent wins the game. Moreover, he is outgoing. He is comfortable conversing with individuals he is unfamiliar with and he doesn't get shy expressing himself in front of others. For instance, while introverts are getting anxious and afraid of speaking in front of others, extroverts get joy and satisfaction from doing it. In addition, he has a good sense of humour which made him pleasant to be around. His jokes and sarcasm helps to relieve stress and lighten the mood. Even when the atmosphere is weird, he brings people together and spread positivity. To conclude, we all have someone to detest due to its bad traits. Nonetheless, they have their own virtues to impress and learn from.
In this essay, I will
Did you mean simply "discuss a"? You do not need the word "about" here.
discuss about a
guy I dislike and the causes that led me to this statement. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
is going to
be discussed
is my classmate. I have known him for almost eleven years, which is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
describe
his personality.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, he is envious. Whenever someone
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gets
more attention or be more successful than him, he
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gets
irritated and tries to put that individual down.
Therefore
, he doesn't value other's achievement and acts like as if he is not impressed.
For instance
, if you say
Don't put a space on both sides of a quote symbol
"
I passed my exam
Use a smart closing quote here: "”".
"
, he will respond
Don't put a space on both sides of a quote symbol
"
It is not that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
Use a smart closing quote here: "”".
"
instead
of congratulating and being happy for you.
Moreover
, he
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gets
satisfied and relieved when others fail.

Secondly
, he imposes his view on others. He always tries to prove that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
when he encounters someone
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
is not on the same page with him. He wants to be right,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
desperately
, he will do anything to give the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
to that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
. Believing too much in his view made him stubborn. He refuses to
be advised
and instructed regardless of its
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
well meaning
.

Did you mean "Despite" (or, alternatively, 'in spite of')?
Despite of
his detrimental characteristics,
Possible typo: you repeated a word
has has
virtues to admire
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
like everyone. I will mention his 3 benefits.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, he is consistent. He is the type of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
would never
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
until he
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sees
the result of what he puts his mind to. I feel like being consistent is one of the crucial
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
to have in life. No matter what you are trying to accomplish in life, there are hundreds of others
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are trying to do the same exact thing.
For this reason
, the one
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
is consistent wins the game.

Moreover
, he is outgoing. He is comfortable conversing with individuals he is unfamiliar
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
with and
he doesn't
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
get
shy expressing himself in front of others.
For instance
, while introverts are getting anxious and afraid of speaking in front of others, extroverts
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
get
joy and satisfaction from doing it.

In addition
, he has a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
sense of
Possible spelling mistake. 'humour' is British English.
humour
which made him pleasant to be around. His jokes and sarcasm
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
to relieve
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
and lighten the mood. Even when the atmosphere is weird, he brings
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
together and spread positivity.

To conclude
, we all have someone to detest due to its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
traits. Nonetheless, they have their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
virtues to impress and learn from.
14Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
15Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
11Mistakes

IELTS essay The line graph shows the cost for watching films The pie charts show the change in the percentage of market share represented by the three forms v. 1

Essay
  American English
8 paragraphs
404 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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