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The chart shows the global water use by sector and water consumption in Brazil and Congo in 2000. v.1

The chart shows the global water use by sector and water consumption in Brazil and Congo in 2000. v. 1
It is argued by an overwhelming number of people that gaining a large amount of bill by professional athletics people are fully fair, although others assume that it is not justified. I am of the opinion that as these people earn wealth from their sponsors, clubs, advertising and so forth, therefore it is not unfair. There are two prominent reasons why gaining much more payment by athletes can be seen as unfair. Firstly, there are many other professions in society which are more important than the game. For example, some careers like scientists, nurses, firefighter, police officers and so forth, do more necessary tasks. They spend a considerable time, energy and skill and have heavy responsibilities against individuals in societies. Moreover, their jobs ensure societies perform properly. Whereas, athletes' jobs are not of crucial importance and their jobs are entertaining and not necessary. On the other hand, some people that believe athletes salaries are fair claim that as these people gain salary through advertising, sponsorships, and other resource not only there is not any burden on the state budget, but also these trend thrive economically and is beneficial to communities. Moreover, game matches provide families with enjoyable times alongside each other and encourage people to do some fun. And in this way sports improves individuals health and well-being. In conclusion, it seems to me that as professional athletics people have positive effects on people's life and their salaries is not of public wage so it is not unfair.
It
is argued
by an overwhelming number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
that gaining a large amount of bill by professional athletics
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
fully
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fair
, although others assume that it is not justified. I am of the opinion that as these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
earn wealth from their sponsors, clubs, advertising and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
forth,
therefore
it is not unfair.

There are two prominent reasons why gaining much more payment by athletes can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
as unfair.
Firstly
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
professions in society which are more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
than the game.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
careers like scientists, nurses, firefighter, police officers and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
forth, do more necessary tasks. They spend a considerable time, energy and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
and have heavy responsibilities against individuals in societies.
Moreover
, their jobs ensure societies perform
properly
. Whereas, athletes' jobs are not of crucial importance and their jobs are entertaining and not necessary.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
that believe athletes salaries are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fair
claim that as these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
gain salary through advertising, sponsorships, and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
resource not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
there is not any burden on the state budget,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
these trend thrive
economically
and is beneficial to communities.
Moreover
, game matches provide families with enjoyable times alongside each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
and encourage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
fun. And in this way sports
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improves
individuals health and well-being.

In conclusion
, it seems to me that as professional athletics
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
effects on
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's life and their salaries is not of public wage
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
it is not unfair.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
11Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
0Mistakes
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.
Nelson Mandela

IELTS essay The chart shows the global water use by sector and water consumption in Brazil and Congo in 2000. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
248 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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