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The line graph below shows the proportion of population aged 65 and over in USA, Sweden and Japan from 1940 to 2040. v.1

The line graph below shows the proportion of population aged 65 and over in USA, Sweden and Japan from 1940 to 2040. v. 1
People, regardless their wealth, find it difficult to enter a university. I agree with this statement. This essay will first discuss how the competition to study at universities is stiff, and then talk about how studying at university is very costly. All from different prosperity levels struggle to pass universities' selection criteria due to the high demand for high-level education. This is because the number of reputable universities in one area is low compared to the number of students who graduated from schools in the same area. As a result, they need to compete against their colleagues to get seats in their favourite universities. They must have done extremely hard works at school so their marks are higher than other candidates to be admitted at universities. For example, around 1700 students graduated from schools in Jakarta in each year, but only 60% among them can continue their study at higher education. I agree that entering universities are hard. The situation is even more severe for the poor people because the tuition fee of tertiary education is too expensive. Even though they have had sufficient marks to be accepted at a university, they often still struggle to pay course fees themselves. If there is no one willing to sponsor them by taking the fees, there will be no admission can be made by university administrators. For example, in 2006, among 1200 students in Jakarta who academically accepted in universities, around 250 of them did not continue because of financial problem. I agree that poorer people may struggle more. In conclusion, the competition to get admitted in third-level education is fierce for people regardless of their wealth. However, the poor find it more severe because their challenge is not only because of marks, but also the financial requirement of tertiary educations.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
, regardless their wealth, find it difficult to enter a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this statement. This essay will
first
discuss how the competition to study at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
is stiff, and then talk about how studying at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
costly.

All from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
prosperity levels struggle to pass universities' selection criteria due to the high demand for high-level
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the number of reputable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
in one area is low compared to the number of students who graduated from schools in the same area.
As a result
, they need to compete against their colleagues to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
seats in their
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourite' is British English.
favourite
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
. They
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
have done
extremely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
works at school
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
their marks are higher than other candidates to
be admitted
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
.
For example
, around 1700 students graduated from schools in Jakarta in each year,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
60% among them can continue their study at higher
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that entering
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
.

The situation is even more severe for the poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the tuition fee of tertiary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
is too expensive.
Even though
they have had sufficient marks to be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
accepted
at a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
, they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
still
struggle to pay course fees themselves. If there is no one willing to sponsor them by taking the fees, there will be no admission can
be made
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
administrators.
For example
, in 2006, among 1200 students in Jakarta who
academically
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
accepted
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
, around 250 of them did not continue
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of financial problem. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that poorer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
may struggle more.

In conclusion
, the competition to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
admitted in third-level
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
is fierce for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
regardless of their wealth.
However
, the poor find it more severe
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
their challenge is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of marks,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
the financial requirement of tertiary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
educations
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay The line graph below shows the proportion of population aged 65 and over in USA, Sweden and Japan from 1940 to 2040. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
299 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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