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The graph below shows the purchasing of petrol by people from the United States and United Kingdom according to their salaries. v.1

The graph below shows the purchasing of petrol by people from the United States and United Kingdom according to their salaries. v. 1
Some would argue that technological advancement has made people more sociable, while others think that it is the opposite, people is less sociable. I agree the latter statement and believe that despite recent technology makes it simple to get connected with someone far away, it has made ones does not aware of surrounding people. On the one hand, it is easier to connect to strangers in remote locations. Social media, such as Facebook and Twitter, has greatly facilitated people who have the same interest to meet online regardless of their geographical locations. In addition, they can discuss things almost everywhere, at home, at work or even when taking on a bus. For example, there are dozens of Facebook groups that gather people who is going to take the IELTS test so they can study together and give input to others' weaknesses. In my opinion, it is a welcomed result of recent technology. On the other hand, modern communication technology has made people prefer to meet others with the same interest online rather than meeting with people of various interests in their neighbourhood. It is not difficult to find men and women who live next to one another do not know each others because most of the time they are busy with their online friends. For example, many Instagram's celebrities in Indonesia are not known to their neighbours because they rarely appear in public places. In my opinion, it is condemned impact of modern technology. In conclusion, despite the technology has made it easier for men and women to see each other over the Internet, it has impacted many local societies negatively because people who live nearby do not know each others.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
would argue that technological advancement has made
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
more sociable, while others
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that it is the opposite,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
is
less sociable. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
the latter statement and believe that despite recent technology
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
it simple to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
connected with someone far away, it has made
Did you mean "one's"?
ones
does not aware of surrounding
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

On the one hand, it is easier to connect to strangers in remote locations. Social media, such as Facebook and Twitter, has
greatly
facilitated
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
have the same interest to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
online regardless of their geographical locations.
In addition
, they can discuss things almost everywhere, at home, at work or even when taking on a bus.
For example
, there are dozens of Facebook groups that gather
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
is
going to take the IELTS
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
test
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they can study together and give input to others' weaknesses. In my opinion, it is a welcomed result of recent technology.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, modern communication technology has made
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
prefer to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
others with the same interest online
rather
than meeting with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
of various interests in their
Possible spelling mistake. 'neighbourhood' is British English.
neighbourhood
. It is not difficult to find
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
and women
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
next
to one another do not know each
The noun should be probably in the singular form: "other"?
others
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
most of the time they are busy with their online friends.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
Instagram's celebrities in Indonesia are not known to their
Possible spelling mistake. 'neighbours' is British English.
neighbours
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they rarely appear in public places. In my opinion, it
is condemned
impact of modern technology.

In conclusion
, despite the technology has made it easier for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
and women to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
over the Internet, it has impacted
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
local societies
negatively
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
nearby do not know each
The noun should be probably in the singular form: "other"?
others
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay The graph below shows the purchasing of petrol by people from the United States and United Kingdom according to their salaries. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
281 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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