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The line graph below shows the changes in the share price of Outokumpu companies in euros between January 2006 and December 2010. v.1

The line graph below shows the changes in the share price of Outokumpu companies in euros between January 2006 and December 2010. v. 1
Famous musicians and film personalities earn a lot of money than people in other professions. It is often said that the field of entertainment makes money more than a government leader. This essay will discuss several reasons for such a situation and I believe that it has affirmative outcomes. Out of all the reasons, the foremost one is film stars have a short career span than that of doctors, engineers, and the government employee. If they earn handsome millions of rupees, they would secure their future. This is the reason why the celebrities are taking higher bucks. Furthermore, entertainment is a very important part of our lives. In our day-to-day hustle and bustle routine, it is movies and music that rescue us from the boredom and monotony. While they work hard and put up a lot of effort for entertaining other people. So, they have deserved to earn millions of dollars every year. With regards to the question of a beneficial trend or negative, I think it is helpful for society and nation. High earning superstar is helping in numerous ways to the country. For example, the Times of India showed that Salman Khan donates 50 lakhs rupees for children, who are suffering from blood cancer. Also they would open an acting school without charge for those who have no money to secure their future in this field. Thus, there are productivity benefits to the country and community. To conclude, all the above points strengthen my opinion that people in entertainment business receive a payment that they deserve and this is a positive phenomenon for people and nation.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Famous
musicians and film personalities earn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
money than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in other professions. It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
said that the field of entertainment
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
money more than a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
leader. This essay will discuss several reasons for such a situation and I believe that it has affirmative outcomes.

Out of all the reasons, the foremost one is film stars have a short career span than that of doctors, engineers, and the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
employee. If they earn handsome millions of rupees, they would secure their future. This is the reason why the celebrities are taking higher bucks.
Furthermore
, entertainment is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
part of our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
. In our day-to-day hustle and bustle routine, it is movies and music that rescue us from the boredom and monotony. While they work
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
and put up
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
effort for entertaining other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, they have deserved to earn millions of dollars every year.

Use "in regard to", "with regard to", or more simply "regarding".
With regards to
the question of a beneficial trend or
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
it is helpful for society and nation. High earning superstar is helping in numerous ways to the country.
For example
,
If the term is a proper noun, use the suggested capitalization.
the Times of India
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
that Salman Khan donates 50 lakhs rupees for children, who are suffering from blood cancer.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Also
they would open an acting school without charge for those who have no money to secure their future in this field.
Thus
, there are productivity benefits to the country and community.

To conclude
, all the above points strengthen my opinion that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in entertainment business receive a payment that they deserve and this is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
phenomenon for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and nation.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay The line graph below shows the changes in the share price of Outokumpu companies in euros between January 2006 and December 2010. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
268 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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