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The flowchart illustrates the production of coloured plastic paper clips in a small factory. Write a report for a university tutor describing the production process. v.1

The flowchart illustrates the production of coloured plastic paper clips in a small factory. Write a report for a university tutor describing the production process. v. 1
Nowadays, doing charity and community work is important all around the world. For that reason, It is argued by some that students in secondary school level should give these services, being a part of their school program. There are several types of jobs related to helping other people. I totally agree with that, because children are going to learn how be helpful to others and emphatic as well. First of all, there are a lot of vulnerable people who are needing our help, and children at high school should be cooperative to them. It is crucial that all schools around the world be aware of that, and include as soon as possible subjects related to how helping people, being mandatory to go to different places where they can work for free, being helpful to others. Secondly, doing that, children are going to learn how to be a better person, as well as obtaining a sense of togetherness. These social and community skills will be essential for their future, developing their way to socializing and being emphatic with others. Also, it can ensure a successful working future, thus charity work is a good point to include in their resume, being important to some companies. For example, when I was a teenager, I used to work in a community centre reading books to little children. It helped me to obtain a great job in the future, because it was considered in my first job interview. In conclusion, it is crucial that children start doing charity and community jobs at school. Every institution has to include these kind of services in their programs. Furthermore, schoolers will obtain important tools to be successful in their personal life and working future.
Nowadays, doing charity and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
all around the world. For that reason, It
is argued
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
that students in secondary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
level should give these services, being a part of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
program. There are several types of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
related to helping other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
. I
totally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with that,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are going to learn how be helpful to others and emphatic
as well
.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
vulnerable
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who
The verb 'needing' is a stative verb and sometimes the progressive form is not correct. Try a simple form instead.
are needing
our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
, and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
at high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
should be cooperative to them. It is crucial that all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
around the world be aware of that, and include as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
as possible subjects related to how helping
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, being mandatory to go to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
places where they can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
for free, being helpful to others.

Secondly
, doing that,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are going to learn how to be a better person,
as well
as obtaining a sense of togetherness. These social and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
will be essential for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
, developing their way to socializing and being emphatic with others.
Also
, it can ensure a successful working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
,
thus
charity
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
point to include in their resume, being
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
.
For example
, when I was a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenager
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
Possible spelling mistake. 'centre' is British English.
centre
reading books to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. It
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
me to obtain a great
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it
was considered
in my
first
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
interview.

In conclusion
, it is crucial that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
doing charity and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
. Every institution
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
include
Did you mean "this kind" or "these kinds"?
these kind
of services in their programs.
Furthermore
, schoolers will obtain
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
tools to be successful in their personal life and working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay The flowchart illustrates the production of coloured plastic paper clips in a small factory. Write a report for a university tutor describing the production process. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
286 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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