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The line chart gives information about the population rate in four different countries from 1970 to 2010 and it is estimated to 2030. v.1

The line chart gives information about the population rate in four different countries from 1970 to 2010 and it is estimated to 2030. v. 1
Nowadays, an increasing number of parents are concerned about the time that their kids spend on electronic personal devices. Some people state that these devices with the Internet can bring many benefits to children, but on the other hand, there are also downsides. It is necessary to look at both arguments before forming an opinion. Firstly, it is obvious that too much television and gaming can have a negative influence on children. Physically, hours in front of a monitor can ruin their eyes. This is the reason why there are more and more short-sighted youngsters. Now, 20 percent of citizens all over the world are myopic and the number will continue to rise if there is no solution. Mentally, if kids spend too much time living in the virtual world, they may lose the ability to make friends and socialize in a normal way. They will just bind themselves in a closed room without interacting with anybody and so on, the imagination and flexibility gradually disappear. Moreover, violence and inappropriate content may be shown, which can negatively affect young people's behaviour. On the contrary, electronic personal devices have major benefits for children. Getting acquainted with the latest technology may help them to keep up with current affairs all over the world. They are also a great source of learning. Children can look up any knowledge they want on the Internet, which helps them a lot in studying and doing homework. Playing video games can also improve the brain's speed. According to research, individuals who play games frequently can process the stimulations, both visual and audible, faster than others. Speaking from personal experience, I think the right approach is to have a healthy balance. Parents are responsible for setting boundaries and making sure that their kids are viewing the appropriate content. Children should spend only 1 to 2 hours per day on using the Internet or watching television. Furthermore, TV and computers are not the only way to have fun, so parents should encourage their kids to interact and play with other kids in person, too. In conclusion, using technology appliances offers a clear advantage to children, but we cannot neglect its serious drawbacks. As our ancestors still said "there is no good if it is too much", everything should be in moderation, and TV and games are no different. Only by doing so can we ensure that children can take a full advantage of technology.
Nowadays, an increasing number of parents
are concerned
about the time that their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
spend on electronic personal devices.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
state that these devices with the Internet can bring
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
benefits to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
on the other hand
, there are
also
downsides. It is necessary to look at both arguments
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
forming an opinion.

Firstly
, it is obvious that too much television and gaming can have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
influence on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
Physically
, hours in front of a monitor can ruin their eyes. This is the reason why there are more and more short-sighted youngsters.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Now
, 20 percent of citizens all over the world are myopic and the number will continue to rise if there is no solution. Mentally, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
spend too much time living in the virtual world, they may lose the ability to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
friends and socialize
Consider replacing "in a normal way" with the adverb for "normal"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in a normal way
. They will
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
bind themselves in a closed room without interacting with anybody and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on, the imagination and flexibility
gradually
disappear.
Moreover
, violence and inappropriate content may
be shown
, which can
negatively
affect young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
.

On the contrary
, electronic personal devices have major benefits for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. Getting acquainted with the latest technology may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
up with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
affairs all over the world. They are
also
a great source of learning.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
can look up any knowledge they want on the Internet, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
them a lot in studying and doing homework. Playing video games can
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the brain's speed. According to research, individuals who play games
frequently
can process the
Possible spelling mistake found.
stimulations
, both visual and audible, faster than others.

Speaking from personal experience, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
the right approach is to have a healthy balance. Parents are responsible for setting boundaries and making sure that their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
are viewing the appropriate content.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
should spend
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
1 to 2 hours per day on using the Internet or watching television.
Furthermore
, TV and computers are not the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
way to have fun,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
parents should encourage their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
to interact and play with other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
in person, too.

In conclusion
, using technology appliances offers a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
advantage to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
we cannot neglect its serious drawbacks. As our ancestors
still
said
Use a smart opening quote here: "“".
"
there is no
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
if it is too much
Use a smart closing quote here: "”".
"
, everything should be in moderation, and TV and games are no
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Only
by doing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
can we ensure that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can take a full advantage of technology.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay The line chart gives information about the population rate in four different countries from 1970 to 2010 and it is estimated to 2030. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
405 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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