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The leisure industry is growing rapidly. The active rate of modern technology in people’s leisure lives nowadays has made them less creative. Do you agree or disagree? v.1

The leisure industry is growing rapidly. The active rate of modern technology in people’s leisure lives nowadays has made them less creative. v. 1
It is very clear that every person is shopping for many needs. In today’s world, online shopping is very common among people and many people choosing this way for shopping. In the following paragraphs, I will try to compare both situations in terms of pros and cons of each situation. Obviously, there are many positive aspects of online shopping. First of all, the main advantage of online shopping is the convenience. For example, buying things on the Internet helps people save a great deal of time. That is to say, since people are often so caught up with work and study, shopping online is a wise choice which doesn't require them to go to the stores. Therefore, they can shop all the time like working hours etc. In addition to this, online shopping has more options and better price. People can find almost any brand or item they're looking for at affordable prices. On the other hand, online shopping may be disadvantageous for people. Firstly, online shopping has danger to the financial security. Some websites don't ensure about it or you have to pay the money before the good is delivered, which is unsafe. What I mean is that, if people are online shopping, there is a larger risk of fraud, like credit card scams, phishing, identity theft and hacking. Furthermore, the electronic images of a product are sometimes misleading. The colour, appearance in real may not match with the electronic images. Also, customers may have problems with the size of the products, like oversize or small size etc. All in all, in the light of the aforementioned points, it can be effortlessly concluded that online shopping has the some pros and cons. However; in my opinion, online shopping has more advantages than disadvantages and provides convenience to people in many ways.
It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that every person is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
needs. In
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
’s world,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
common among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
choosing this way for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
. In the following paragraphs, I will try to compare both situations in terms of pros and cons of each situation.

Obviously
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
aspects of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, the main advantage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
is the convenience.
For example
, buying things on the Internet
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
save a great deal of time.
That is
to say, since
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
caught up with work and study,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
is a wise choice which doesn't require them to go to the stores.
Therefore
, they can shop all the time like working hours etc.
In addition
to this,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
has more options and better price.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
can find almost any brand or item they're looking for at affordable prices.

On the other hand
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
may be disadvantageous for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
danger
to the financial security.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
websites don't ensure about it or you
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
pay the money
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
is delivered
, which is unsafe. What I mean is that, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
, there is a larger
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of fraud, like credit card scams, phishing, identity theft and hacking.
Furthermore
, the electronic images of a product are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
misleading. The
Possible spelling mistake. 'colour' is British English.
colour
, appearance in real may not match with the electronic images.
Also
, customers may have problems with the size of the products, like oversize or
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
size etc.

All in all, in the light of the aforementioned points, it can be
effortlessly
concluded that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
has the
Did you mean "same"?
some
pros and cons.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
However
; in my opinion,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
has more advantages than disadvantages and provides convenience to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
ways.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
I am always sorry when any language is lost, because languages are the pedigrees of nations.
Samuel Johnson

IELTS essay The leisure industry is growing rapidly. The active rate of modern technology in people’s leisure lives nowadays has made them less creative. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
302 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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