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Leisure is old growing industry, but people no longer entertain themselves as much as they used to because the use of modern technology has made them less creative. Do you agree or disagree? v.1

Leisure is old growing industry, but people no longer entertain themselves as much as they used to because the use of modern technology has made them less creative. v. 1
In the contemporary world, there is a trend that both parents are working to live a better lifestyle. Due to this, they have to depend on their parents to take care of their children. Although it is advantageous, there are drawbacks too. Both advantages, along with disadvantages, are elaborated further. There are several advantages of care taken by the grandparent. The most prominent one is, as grandparents nurture their children, they have experience of upbringing the children. As a result, they understand children better and know how children feel when they are hungry or want something to play. Another advantage is that the transformation of cultural value from one generation to another generation can be done by grandparents. For example, how to respect the elders when elder come home. Furthermore, when grandparents take care of their grandson, they do not charge any fees. On the other hand, the drawback cannot be overlooked. Firstly, the majority of grandparents are either retired from their job, or on the verge of retirement. So, they might not have the physical stamina to handle a child. Secondly, they are not professional in taking care of children. By this, I mean the health of children are more vulnerable, so one needs to take extra precaution while dealing with children. Finally, in an emergency, one needs to take action quickly. Like, when children get hurt by any object grandparents might not able to do this due to their physical limits. In conclusion, though there is some limitation, I think, grandparents are better people in this world to take care of the children at home and kids who have this opportunity are very fortunate according to me.
In the contemporary world, there is a trend that both parents are working to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
a better lifestyle. Due to this, they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
depend on their parents to take
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. Although it is advantageous, there are drawbacks too. Both advantages, along with disadvantages,
are elaborated
further
.

There are several advantages of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
taken by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
grandparent
. The most prominent one is, as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
grandparents
nurture their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, they have experience of upbringing the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
As a result
, they understand
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
better and know how
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
feel when they are hungry or want something to play. Another advantage is that the transformation of cultural value from one generation to another generation can
be done
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
grandparents
.
For example
, how to respect the elders when elder
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
home.
Furthermore
, when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
grandparents
take
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
of their grandson, they do not charge any fees.

On the other hand
, the drawback cannot
be overlooked
.
Firstly
, the majority of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
grandparents
are either retired from their job, or on the verge of retirement.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, they might not have the physical stamina to handle a child.
Secondly
, they are not professional in taking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. By this, I mean the health of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are more vulnerable,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
one needs to take extra precaution while dealing with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
Finally
, in an emergency, one needs to take action
quickly
. Like, when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
hurt by any object
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
grandparents
might not able to do this due to their physical limits.

In conclusion
, though there is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
limitation, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
grandparents
are better
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in this world to take
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
at home and kids who have this opportunity are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
fortunate according to me.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Learning another language is not only learning different words for the same things, but learning another way to think about things.
Flora Lewis

IELTS essay Leisure is old growing industry, but people no longer entertain themselves as much as they used to because the use of modern technology has made them less creative. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
279 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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