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Leisure is old growing industry, but people no longer entertain themselves as much as they used to because the use of modern technology has made them less creative. Do you agree or disagree? v.2

Leisure is old growing industry, but people no longer entertain themselves as much as they used to because the use of modern technology has made them less creative. v. 2
Self entertainment is one of the most vital ingredient in human life. Although, these days it seems to be trivial due to rise in modern technology and gadgets. I support this statement to a larger extent. My inclination is elaborated in the ensuring paragraphs with examples. Firstly, with the more usage of gadgets people are being addicted to it. For instance, maximum number of individuals when wake up from bed they start using their smartphones. A research conducted by department of psychology of John Hopkins University concluded that if a person starts the day by using their gadgets it makes them more lazy and affects the cornea of the eyes. Secondly, when any tedious task is given, people often search it on browsers and get the desired solution to their problem. This tactic will not only decrease the problem solving skills but also reduces the development and potential of creativity. To illustrate this, consider a case in which a student is told to write essay or develop any art from waste material. To solve this task, the facilitated pupil with internet, will just surf the websites and use the available idea, rather then using their own creativity to perform the activity. However, I could not overlook the brighter side of technology. As the world wide web is upsurged, people are able to develop their connection to overseas. In addition to is, distance learning has also played a crucial role in escalating the knowledge. One can shop, pay bills, consult doctors, watch live events and can do innumerable thing on the giant web. To recapitulate and offer my position, usage of technology and internet must be dynamic but only to be done when it is necessary and required.
Self entertainment is one of the most vital
Please check whether a plural form of 'ingredient' should be used.
ingredient
in human life. Although, these days it seems to be trivial due to rise in modern technology and gadgets. I support this statement to a larger extent. My inclination
is elaborated
in the ensuring paragraphs with examples.

Firstly
, with the more usage of gadgets
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are
being addicted
to it.
For instance
, maximum number of individuals when wake up from bed they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
using their smartphones.
Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply "research".
A research
conducted by department of psychology of John Hopkins University concluded that if a person
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
starts
the day by using their gadgets it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them more lazy and affects the cornea of the eyes.

Secondly
, when any tedious task is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
search it on browsers and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the desired solution to their problem. This tactic will not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
decrease the problem solving
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduces
the development and potential of creativity. To illustrate this, consider a case in which a student is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
told
to write essay or develop any art from waste material. To solve this task, the facilitated pupil with internet, will
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
surf the websites and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
the available
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
,
rather
Did you mean "than"? 'than' is used for comparisons, 'then' is an expression of time.
then
using their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
creativity to perform the activity.

However
, I could not overlook the brighter side of technology. As the
If the term is a proper noun, use initial capitals.
world wide web
is upsurged
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are able to develop their connection to overseas.
In addition
to is, distance learning has
also
played a crucial role in escalating the knowledge. One can shop, pay bills, consult doctors,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
and can do innumerable thing on the giant web.

To recapitulate and offer my position, usage of technology and internet
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be dynamic
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
to
be done
when it is necessary and required.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
0Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay Leisure is old growing industry, but people no longer entertain themselves as much as they used to because the use of modern technology has made them less creative. v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
287 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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