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The leaders or directors of organizations are often older people. But some people say that young people can also be a leader. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

The leaders or directors of organizations are often older people. But some people say that young people can also be a leader. v. 1
There are two main ideas considering where citizens have to reside in advanced age, the first one is about living in retirement communities while the second one is that they should stay with their grown-up children. In my opinion, older people ought to be placed in particular facilities, so that they can benefit longer and much more comfortable lives as well as social benefits. One concept is that the elderly people should live with their own relatives. The main argument here can be that mature daughters and sons could take care better and their own homes have a warmer environment than artificial care and indifferent approach in special communities. In addition, when old people live with their children, they are provided with the emotional support which is necessary to recover. For instance, It is well-known that when a person becomes up in years, he or she could have more problems with health like Alzheimer's disorder which is harder to treat at home. Even the individual who is not faced such influential issue with the physical condition, is likely to encounter some minor deviations during this time of life. Children are not equipped with a knowledge and devices to help their parents. Moreover, specific premises have important technology as well as nurses and other educated staff to deal with different issues. For example, in developed countries, people can benefit such houses with almost all needed things, so they can rather enjoy their life than suffer from the diseases. In conclusion, although emotional support and a warm home environment are essential for seniors, in my opinion, there are more advantages for them considering vital health care services, which are offered there.
There are two main
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
considering where citizens
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
reside in advanced age, the
first
one is about living in retirement communities while the second one is that they should stay with their grown-up children. In my opinion, older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
ought to
be placed
in particular
facilities,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they can benefit longer and much more comfortable
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
as well
as social benefits.

One concept is that the elderly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
with their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
relatives. The main argument here can be that mature daughters and sons could take care better and their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
homes have a warmer environment than artificial care and indifferent approach in special communities.
In addition
, when
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
with their children, they
are provided
with the emotional support which is necessary to recover.
For instance
,

It is well-known that when a person becomes up in years, he or she could have more problems with health like Alzheimer's disorder which is harder to treat at home. Even the individual who is not faced such influential issue with the physical condition, is likely to encounter
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
minor deviations during this time of life. Children are not equipped with a knowledge and devices to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
their parents.
Moreover
, specific premises have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
technology
as well
as nurses and other educated staff to deal with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
issues.
For example
, in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developed countries
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can benefit such
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
houses
with almost all needed things,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they can
rather
enjoy their life than suffer from the diseases.

In conclusion
, although emotional support and a warm home environment are essential for seniors, in my opinion, there are more advantages for them considering vital health care services, which
are offered
there.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay The leaders or directors of organizations are often older people. But some people say that young people can also be a leader. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
279 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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