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The leaders of organisations are often older people. But some people say that young people can also be leaders. Do you agree or disagree? v.1

The leaders of organisations are often older people. But some people say that young people can also be leaders. v. 1
Nowadays, most citizens lead a life outside their homes. This is because we spend more time at school or work. We also travel more. As a result, we generally experience more stress, but our societies become more connected. The primary reason is that we compete with more people than ever. The population of all countries has grown significantly, but the opportunities are still limited. So, we all have to struggle more to have a better career, whether at school or work. For example, in the past, you could earn a decent income with a high school diploma only, but today you may need a PHD for the same impact. Another reason is that we have the chance to travel with little effort. For instance, plane tickets have become much cheaper, while it is no longer difficult to buy a private vehicle. Thanks to these developments, even people with a limited income began to travel in a regular way. For example, in the past, only the rich could travel freely, but today even students can do the same. Consequently, we have become more fatigued in general. Studying all the time or working hard requires much effort. This raises the level of stress. Over time, it causes depression or similar problems. Unfortunately, there is now too much competition, and only few of us can stay away from it. But, the effects on society have become fairly positive. In the past, most of us lived in an isolated way. Interaction between us was limited. But, we are no longer stuck in our homes. We are together everywhere. We have the chance to meet new people all the time. This has created a richer culture. In conclusion, we spend less time at home, because we have to improve ourselves, yet this has resulted in both positive and negative effects.
Nowadays, most citizens lead a life outside their homes. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
we spend more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
at school or work. We
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
travel
more.
As a result
, we
generally
experience more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
our societies
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
more connected.

The primary reason is that we compete with more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
than ever. The population of all countries has grown
significantly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the opportunities are
still
limited.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, we all
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
struggle more to have a better career, whether at school or work.
For example
, in the past, you could earn a decent income with a high school diploma
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
you may need a
The more common abbreviation of the term 'philosophiae doctor' is "PhD".
PHD
for the same impact.

Another reason is that we have the chance to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
travel
with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
effort.
For instance
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plane
tickets have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
much cheaper, while it is no longer difficult to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
a private vehicle. Thanks to these developments, even
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
with a limited income began to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
travel
Consider replacing "in a regular way" with the adverb for "regular"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in a regular way
.
For example
, in the past,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
the rich could
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
travel
freely
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
even students can do the same.

Consequently
, we have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
more fatigued
in general
. Studying all the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
or working
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
requires much effort. This raises the level of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
. Over
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
, it causes depression or similar problems. Unfortunately, there is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
too much competition, and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
few of us can stay away from it.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
, the effects on society have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
fairly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
. In the past, most of us
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lived
in an isolated way. Interaction between us
was limited
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
, we are no longer stuck in our homes. We are together everywhere. We have the chance to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
new
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
all the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
. This has created a richer culture.

In conclusion
, we spend less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
at home,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
we
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
ourselves,
yet
this has resulted in both
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay The leaders of organisations are often older people. But some people say that young people can also be leaders. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
305 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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