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The Internet and television are giving more opportunities for the average person to become famous. It is positive or negative development? v.1

The Internet and television are giving more opportunities for the average person to become famous. It is positive or negative development? v. 1
In the modern world, it is possible for an ordinary person to become well-known through the TV or on the Internet. Being a celebrity means dealing with various ups and downs. However, in my opinion, the benefits of being a celebrity outweigh the negatives. On the one hand, the TV and the Internet are considered a breeding ground for creative and helpful individuals to share their experience, thoughts, and guides from which many could benefit. One of the obvious advantages of being famous is that fame generally brings a wealth fortune. Celebrities are idolised for their talents and, oftentimes, their looks, so it makes sense that brands are keen to profit off their cachet through job contracts and endorsement deals. That makes their monetary value far higher than the average ordinary job. Moreover, when people gained reputation for themselves, more opportunities arise in life, whether they are career related or not. For instance, a TV celebrity Kylie Jenner made a living not only for posting Instagram pictures. She has also released a variety of products tied to her name and founding her own business Kylie Cosmetics. However, famous people do not have privacy in their lives and suffer from being under microscopes of newspapers and tabloids. Sometimes a celebrity is traumatized by the fake stories and scandalous reports. Therefore, they must careful about their behaviors and every single word they say. Furthermore, celebrities often unable to do things that the common people can since they are expected to be role models for the general public. In conclusion, being famous is a double-edged sword for many. However, the fame and fortune are brought by the celebrities outweigh the negative aspects. After all, everything has its cost but who would not desire to cherish life and fame due to a minor price
In the modern world, it is possible for an ordinary person to become well-known through the TV or on the Internet. Being a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrity
means dealing with various ups and downs.
However
, in my opinion, the benefits of being a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrity
outweigh the negatives.

On the one hand, the TV and the Internet
are considered
a breeding ground for creative and helpful individuals to share their experience, thoughts, and guides from which
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
could benefit. One of the obvious advantages of being
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
is that fame
generally
brings a wealth fortune.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Celebrities
are
Possible spelling mistake. 'idolised' is British English.
idolised
for their talents and, oftentimes, their looks,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
sense that brands are keen to profit off their cachet through job contracts and endorsement deals. That
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
their monetary value far higher than the average ordinary job.
Moreover
, when
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
gained reputation for themselves, more opportunities arise in life, whether they are career related or not.
For instance
, a TV
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrity
Kylie Jenner made a living not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
for posting Instagram pictures. She has
also
released a variety of products tied to her name and founding her
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
business Kylie Cosmetics.

However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
do not have privacy in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
and suffer from being under microscopes of newspapers and tabloids.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Sometimes
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrity
is traumatized
by the fake stories and scandalous reports.
Therefore
, they
It seems that a verb or adverb has been misspelled or is missing here.
must careful
about their behaviors and every single word they say.
Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
unable to do things that the common
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
can since they are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expected
to be role models for the
Consider using "public".
general public
.

In conclusion
, being
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
is a double-edged sword for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
.
However
, the fame and fortune
are brought
by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
outweigh the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
aspects.
After all
, everything has its cost
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
who would not desire to cherish life and fame due to a minor
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
price
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
One should not aim at being possible to understand but at being impossible to misunderstand.
Marcus Fabius Quintilian

IELTS essay The Internet and television are giving more opportunities for the average person to become famous. It is positive or negative development? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
299 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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