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Due to television and the internet it is easier today for a large number of people to become famous. Is this a positive or negative development? v.1

Due to television and the internet it is easier today for a large number of people to become famous. Is this a positive or negative development? v. 1
In the modern world, it is possible for a person to gain popularity overnight, due to availability of television and an online media. This situation has some benefits, but it also has some strong negative effects, which I believe are more serious than the positive ones. On the one side, there are some benefits of getting famous on television and the internet. Firstly, it aids people to earn a huge wealth. That is to say, a majority of youtubers are making millions of US dollars yearly because their followers like watching and sharing their videos and for every view, they are making money. Secondly, it helps them to make international followers. In other words, famous celebrities have huge fan following, not only from their own country, but people from all over the world offers them love and support. For instance, Amitabh Bachan, an Indian Bollowood Actor, has hundreds of followers sitting in every country, resulting in his global publicity. On the other hand, being famous on TV and the online media can have severe negative impacts. Because the internet and TV are accessible to everyone and if media posts the personal information of TV Celebrities, it can spread very quickly, resulting in people lose their privacy. To exemplify, according to the Times of New York, Justin Bieber does not like media interviews because he believes media is making money by showcasing the personal life of celebrities. Furthermore, sarcastic people sometimes hurt the TV stars on their wrong actions, which further leads to violence in the society, followed by mini wars. To conclude, although the internet and television can bring a fortune for people by offering them a huge wealth and the followers. However, I believe the negative effects such as privacy loss and violence in the society are far more important to consider.
In the modern world, it is possible for a person to gain popularity overnight, due to availability of television and an online
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "medium"?
media
. This situation has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
benefits,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it
also
has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
strong
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects, which I believe are more serious than the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
ones.

On the one side, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
benefits of getting
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
on television and the internet.
Firstly
, it aids
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to earn a huge wealth.
That is
to say, a majority of
Possible spelling mistake found.
youtubers
are making millions of US dollars yearly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
followers
like watching and sharing their videos and for every view, they are making money.
Secondly
, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
international
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
followers
.
In other words
,
Consider using "celebrities".
famous celebrities
have huge fan following, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
from their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
country,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from all over the world offers them
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
and support.
For instance
,
Possible spelling mistake found.
Amitabh
Possible spelling mistake found.
Bachan
, an Indian
Possible spelling mistake found.
Bollowood
Actor, has hundreds of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
followers
sitting in every country, resulting in his global publicity.

On the other hand
, being
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
on TV and the online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
can have severe
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impacts.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
the internet and TV are accessible to everyone and if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
posts the personal information of TV Celebrities, it can spread
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
quickly
, resulting in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
lose their privacy. To exemplify, according to the Times of New York, Justin Bieber does not like
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
interviews
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
he believes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
is making money by showcasing the personal life of celebrities.
Furthermore
, sarcastic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
hurt the TV stars on their
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
actions, which
further
leads to violence in the society, followed by mini wars.

To conclude
, although the internet and television can bring a fortune for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
by offering them a huge wealth and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
followers
.
However
, I believe the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects such as privacy loss and violence in the society are far more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to consider.
16Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
14Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes

IELTS essay Due to television and the internet it is easier today for a large number of people to become famous. Is this a positive or negative development? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
303 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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