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The increasing amount of violence that is shown regularly in films has been a cause of concern for some time. Such films make violence appear entertaining, exciting and even something to be copied. However, it seems to be increasingly clear that this development is causing problems in our society. v.1

The increasing amount of violence that is shown regularly in films has been a cause of concern for some time. Such films make violence appear entertaining, exciting and even something to be copied. However, it seems to be increasingly clear that this development is causing problems in our society. v. 1
He increasing amount of violence that is shown regularly in films has been a cause of concern for some time. Such films make violence appear entertaining, exciting and even something to be copied. However, it seems to be increasingly clear that this development is causing problems in our society. First of all, those who enjoy such films eventually stop associating the violence with any real consequences. They therefore lose their sense of reality and no longer take violence seriously or have any sympathy with the victims. This is bad for both individuals and for our whole society. Another worrying trend is that in these films the heroes are shown as people to be admired, even though they are very violent characters. This leads impressionable people to believe that they can gain respect and admiration by copying this aggressive behaviour, and so the levels of violence increase, especially in major cities throughout the world. What is needed to combat these problems is definite action. The government should regulate the film industry on the one hand, and provide better education on the other. Producers must be prevented from showing meaningless violence as 'fun' in their films. Instead, films could emphasise the tragic consequences of violent acts and this would educate people, especially young people, to realise that violence is real. To conclude, I think that viewing violence as entertainment may indeed cause serious social problems and that the only way to improve this situation is by regulating the industry and educating the public about the real human suffering that such violence brings.
Did you mean "He's increasing", "He is increasing", or "He was increasing"?
He increasing
amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
that
is shown
regularly
in films has been a cause of concern for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
time. Such films
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
appear entertaining, exciting and even something to
be copied
.
However
, it seems to be
increasingly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that this development is causing problems in our society.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, those who enjoy such films
eventually
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
associating the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
with any real consequences. They
therefore
lose their sense of reality and no longer take
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
seriously
or have any sympathy with the victims. This is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
for both individuals and for our whole society. Another worrying trend is that in these films the heroes
are shown
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
be admired
,
even though
they are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
violent characters. This leads impressionable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to believe that they can gain respect and admiration by copying this aggressive
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
the levels of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
increase,
especially
in major cities throughout the world.

What
is needed
to combat these problems is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
definite
action. The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should regulate the film industry on the one hand, and provide better education on the other. Producers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevented
from showing meaningless
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
as 'fun' in their films.
Instead
, films could
Possible spelling mistake. 'emphasise' is British English.
emphasise
the tragic consequences of violent acts and this would educate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
especially
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, to
Possible spelling mistake. 'realise' is British English.
realise
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
is real.

To conclude
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that viewing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
as entertainment may
indeed
cause serious social problems and that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
way to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
this situation is by regulating the industry and educating the public about the real human suffering that such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
brings.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
13Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.
Nelson Mandela

IELTS essay The increasing amount of violence that is shown regularly in films has been a cause of concern for some time. Such films make violence appear entertaining, exciting and even something to be copied. However, it seems to be increasingly clear that this development is causing problems in our society. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
260 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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