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The importance of academic subjects compared to extra curricular activities is increasing every day Some people suggest that sports classes should be sacrificed in high school so that students can concentrate on academic subjects Do you agree or disagree v.1

The importance of academic subjects compared to extra curricular activities is increasing every day Some people suggest that sports classes should be sacrificed in high school so that students can concentrate on academic subjects v. 1
It is considered by some that people need to cope with a harsh circumstance, for instance, unacceptable employment or scarcity of money. While in some ways it may seem reasonable to accept a bad situation, I personally believe that it is mandatory to attempt rigorously for the improvement of such situations. One the one hand, there are various reasons why it might be considered logical to accept an unacceptable job or lack of money There are orthodox people who are extremely religious believe that God has fixed a person's fate before sending them to this universe. This kind of belief encourages them to satisfy existing situations. For example, while there are many uneducated and poor people reside in the Southeast Asia region, they are still happy. Some people consider happiness as one of the most notable elements in day to day lives and hence, they tackle the worst situation like joblessness or money crisis by embracing it. In spite of the above arguments, I support the view that life has a meaning and people need to make an attempt to overcome the hurdles. Firstly, social status is judged through job status or how much wealth a person has. In achieving so, it is required to try in order to improve the existing living standards and in doing so, people can earn respect in society. Secondly, if a person is not happy with his or her life, he or she will become frustrated and too much frustration can lead to chaos in a country. In my view, there is ups and downs everyone's life and we need to put our best efforts to overcome the difficulties so that we can proceed in life. In conclusion, although it might seem sensible to those who believe that our luck has already fixed and the best way to become happy in life is to accept hurdles, I personally prefer to overcome the hurdles with a view to improving the quality of life through job status or money.
It
is considered
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
need to cope with a harsh circumstance,
for instance
, unacceptable employment or scarcity of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
. While in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
ways it may seem reasonable to accept a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
situation, I
personally
believe that it is mandatory to attempt
rigorously
for the improvement of such situations.

Did you mean "on"?
One
the one hand, there are various reasons why it might
be considered
logical to accept an unacceptable job or lack of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
There are orthodox
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who are
extremely
religious believe that God has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fixed
a person's fate
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
sending them to this universe. This kind of belief encourages them to satisfy existing situations.
For example
, while there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
uneducated and poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
reside in the Southeast Asia region, they are
still
happy.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
consider happiness as one of the most notable elements in day to day
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
and
hence
, they tackle the worst situation like joblessness or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
crisis by embracing it.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
In spite of
the above arguments, I support the view that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
has a meaning and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
need to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
an attempt to overcome the hurdles.
Firstly
, social status
is judged
through job status or how much wealth a person has. In achieving
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
, it
is required
to try in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the existing living standards and in doing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can earn respect in society.
Secondly
, if a person is not happy with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
his or her
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
, he or she will become frustrated and too much frustration can lead to chaos in a country. In my view,
Did you mean "there are ups"?
there is ups
and downs everyone's
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
life and
we need to put our best efforts to overcome the difficulties
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that we can proceed in life.

In conclusion
, although it might seem sensible to those who believe that our luck has already
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fixed
and the best way to become happy in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
is to accept hurdles, I
personally
prefer to overcome the hurdles with a view to improving the quality of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
through job status or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay The importance of academic subjects compared to extra curricular activities is increasing every day Some people suggest that sports classes should be sacrificed in high school so that students can concentrate on academic subjects v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
333 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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