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9. Most schools support extra-curricular activities, such as clubs and sports teams. Some schools pay for these activities, some require that students pay, and someuse a mix of school funds and student payments. Which do you think is preferable, and why? v.1

9. Most schools support extra-curricular activities, such as clubs and sports teams. Some schools pay for these activities, some require that students pay, and someuse a mix of school funds and student payments. Which do you think is preferable, and why? v. 1
It is a fact that many people in developing nations remain suffering from poverty even with the financial assistance from wealthy ones. Therefore, some people opine that developing nations should apply other methods to assist poorer nations rather than provide money. I personally agree with them totally and the essay will discuss this opinion. To begin with, financial support is not only a temporary solution but also create more negative outcomes for the receivers in poor nations. Free food or easy money will nurture them to  become lazy and will lose their motivation to strive to have better lives. Meanwhile,  the annual financial budget for the richer nations to aid the poor ones will also create a burden for their own taxpayers.  For example, under the annual financial donation from United Kingdom after the World War II, the living and financial situations in the African continent have not been improved since then and even have been deteriorating due to the declining financial support in the past couples of years. Therefore, financial aid is not a good option for guiding the poorer nations out of their poverty. Besides financial support, wealthy nations should carry out other methods to assist the poorer ones. The methods will focus on improving the receivers' motivation, survival skills and knowledge. Therefore, they will be wise enough to rule their nations and improve their living environments. For instance, teaching agricultural technique will assist poor people to grow their local domestic food for self-supply and teaching modern technology will help them produce their own appliances or vehicles. As a result, the living condition in poorer nations will improve and they will be able to live with their own supply. In conclusion, financial support will provide temporary solution for the receivers in developing nations; moreover, only the methods that assist the receivers to become independent by growing their own food and producing their electronic products will provide permanent solutions for eradicating poverty worldwide. Therefore, I agree that the methods, such as conveying agricultural technique, teaching knowledge of modern technology, and so on are  the best option to help the poorer nations rather than financial support.
It is a fact that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in developing nations remain suffering from poverty even with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
assistance from wealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Therefore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
opine that developing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nations
should apply other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
methods
to assist
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
poorer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nations
rather
than provide money. I
personally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with them
totally
and the essay will discuss this opinion.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
support
is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
a temporary solution
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
create more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
outcomes for the receivers in poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nations
. Free food or easy money will nurture them to
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
  
become lazy and will lose their motivation to strive to have better
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
. Meanwhile,
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
the annual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
budget for the richer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nations
to aid the poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
will
also
create a burden for their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
taxpayers.  
For example
, under the annual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
donation
A determiner is probably missing here: "from the United Kingdom".
from United Kingdom
after the World War II, the living and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
situations in the African continent have not been
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
 since then and even have been deteriorating due to the declining
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
support in the past couples of years.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
aid is not a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
option for guiding the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
poorer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nations
out of their poverty.

Besides
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financial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
support
, wealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nations
should carry out other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
methods
to assist the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
poorer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
. The methods will focus on improving the receivers' motivation, survival
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and knowledge.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Therefore
, they will be wise
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rule
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nations
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their living environments.
For instance
, teaching agricultural technique will assist poor
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to grow their local domestic food for self-supply and teaching modern technology will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them produce their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
appliances or vehicles.
As a result
, the living condition in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
poorer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nations
will
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
improve and
they will be able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
with their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
supply.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
support
will provide temporary solution for the receivers in developing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nations
;
moreover
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
methods
that assist the receivers to become independent by growing their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
food and producing their electronic products will provide permanent solutions for eradicating poverty worldwide.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Therefore
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
methods
, such as conveying agricultural technique, teaching knowledge of modern technology, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on are
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
  
the best option to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
poorer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nations
rather
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
support
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay 9. Most schools support extra-curricular activities, such as clubs and sports teams. Some schools pay for these activities, some require that students pay, and someuse a mix of school funds and student payments. Which do you think is preferable, and why? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
341 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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