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Many students like to get involved in extra- curricular activities at university such as social clubs and sports. What are the advantages and disadvantages of this? v.1

Many students like to get involved in extra- curricular activities at university such as social clubs and sports. What are the advantages and disadvantages of this? v. 1
A large number of people worldwide are affected by famine despite progresses made in the field of agriculture. I can identify two causes of this situation and two solutions that can be adopted, which I will describe now. Possibly the most common cause of hunger is related to the fact that the countries deeply affected by this situation are poor and do not have the means to provide for their population. New methods of cultivating crops are affordable only by financially capable countries. Moreover, many of the countries suffering from famine are geographically located in areas on Earth where there is a dearth of rainfall. For example, it may not rain for months in Yemen and hence agriculture is not supported in the bare lands there. With regards to solutions, there should be cooperation among many rich countries such as the US and the UK to help such countries in times of dire need. Instead of sending money, which may not always be used for the benefit of the people, they could send food and water directly to satisfy their hunger. A further step that could be undertaken with international aid would be to produce artificial clouds and rainfalls in some parts where population is dense to provide for a maximum number of people at a time. Moreover, scientists are doing research on how some plants can still be made to grow on dry lands; these results, if positive, could be used in the future by these poor countries. In conclusion, the geographical location and the insufficient means of some countries make it vulnerable to hunger. However, with international aid and scientific progresses, these situations can be remedied gradually.
Specify a number, remove phrase, or simply use "many" or "numerous"
A large number of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
worldwide are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
by famine despite progresses made in the field of agriculture. I can identify two causes of this situation and two solutions that can
be adopted
, which I will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
describe
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
.

Possibly
the most common cause of hunger
is related
to the fact that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
deeply
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
by this situation are poor and do not have the means to provide for their population. New methods of cultivating crops are affordable
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
by
financially
capable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
.
Moreover
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
suffering from famine are
geographically
located in areas on Earth where there is a dearth of rainfall.
For example
, it may not rain for months in Yemen and
hence
agriculture is not supported in the bare lands there.

Use "in regard to", "with regard to", or more simply "regarding".
With regards to
solutions, there should be cooperation among
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
rich
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
such as the US and the UK to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
in times of dire need.
Instead
of sending money, which may not always be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
for the benefit of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, they could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
send
food and water
directly
to satisfy their hunger. A
further
step that could be undertaken with international aid would be to produce artificial clouds and rainfalls in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
parts where population is dense to provide for a maximum number of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
at a time.
Moreover
, scientists are doing research on how
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
plants can
still
be made
to grow on dry lands; these results, if
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
, could be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
in the future by these poor countries.

In conclusion
, the geographical location and the insufficient means of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
it vulnerable to hunger.
However
, with international aid and scientific progresses, these situations can
be remedied
gradually
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Many students like to get involved in extra- curricular activities at university such as social clubs and sports. What are the advantages and disadvantages of this? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
279 words
7.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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