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The growth of online shopping will one day lead to the closing of all shops in town and cities. Do you agree or disagree v.1

The growth of online shopping will one day lead to the closing of all shops in town and cities. v. 1
Nowadays, online chain becomes a most popular, entertaining and rapid method in every country so that it makes problem for local business. In my opinion, I agreed because it has more opportunities to select items which do I need to buy in one place with lots of collection. The first point, do shopping is a kind of relaxing and enjoy between younger and elder peoples. Therefore, they would like to borrow things in the shop rather than purchase in online. From my knowledge, it is a wasting time for human which have more responsibility and doing a job. As a result of that they are willing to have an online outlet, compare to walking into a boutique. For instance, I used to work more than fifty hours per week, then I do not have a time to go to a market. On account of that fact, I used to do online shopping. Additionally, there are so many internet purchasing apps are available such as Amazon, Wish, E bay and Ali Express. However, This system makes essay for consumers by buying different items in one place. Furthermore, those apps introduce some cheap deals and discount for items alternative a department store. Further, It has helped to select items in appropriate atmosphere and it helps to save money and time for clients. In addition to that it is really effecting to a department store in towns and cities closing as lose their customers. In conclusion, considering all those facts the I agreed online shopping will be virus for all shops in towns and cities.
Nowadays,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
chain becomes a most popular, entertaining and rapid method in every country
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
problem for local business. In my opinion, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agreed
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it has more opportunities to select
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
items
which do I need to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
in one place with lots of collection.

The
first
point,
The usual collocation for an activity ending in "-ing" is "go" not "do" or "play." Revise: "go shopping".
do shopping
is a kind of relaxing and enjoy between younger and elder peoples.
Therefore
, they would like to borrow things in the shop
rather
than
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
. From my knowledge, it is a wasting time for human which have more responsibility and doing a job.
As a result
of that they are willing to have an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
outlet, compare to walking into a boutique.
For instance
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to work more than fifty hours per week, then I do not have a time to go to a market. On account of that fact, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
shopping.
Additionally
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
internet purchasing apps are available such as Amazon, Wish, E bay and Ali Express.
However
, This system
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
essay for consumers by buying
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
items
in one place.
Furthermore
, those apps introduce
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cheap
deals and discount for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
items
alternative a department store.
Further
, It has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
to select
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
items
in appropriate atmosphere and it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
to save money and time for clients.
In addition
to that it is
really
effecting to a department store in towns and cities closing as lose their customers.

In conclusion
, considering all those facts
Possible typo. Did you mean "the" or "I"?
the I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agreed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
shopping will be virus for all shops in towns and cities.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
9Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay The growth of online shopping will one day lead to the closing of all shops in town and cities. v. 1

Essay
  American English
3 paragraphs
262 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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