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The growth of online shopping will one day lead to all shops in town and cities closing. Do you agree or disagree? v.1

The growth of online shopping will one day lead to all shops in town and cities closing. v. 1
This is true that medical service should not be run by profit-making companies, because of good health is very important to every person and no-one can guarantee the morality of private healthcare. However, private healthcare may help progress the economy and fulfil the needs of the people that have an abilities to access the service, hence, the advantages of private healthcare may outweigh the disadvantages and make it become more acceptable to the most of the public. Follow an original instinct, individuals often seek for better medical service with less waiting time and they also want to have their own personal doctor, good quality medicine, better hospital equipment, that is the first advantage of private healthcare, because of it's offer an opportunity to a person that have enough money to access a premium medical service. This advantage will fulfil the need to be a well-being of the people that have an abilities to access the service, as a result, it's will help increase the happiness of these people. The second advantage it is why medical service should be run by profit-making companies because of the companies usually invest most of their revenue on research and development of new medicines and technologies such as; anticancer medicine, hospital equipment, medical care technique. As a result, this will lead to an improvement of medical service and will make it less expensive and will be reachable by the poor. Finally, even a result of these advantages may lead to temporary social inequality with many problems such as; instability, unemployed, robbery, extreme capitalism, these advantages of private health care may help the economy to become more progressive and with a broad vision the advantages will make the society more equal in the near future.
This is true that
medical
service
should not
be run
by profit-making
companies
,
because
of
good
health is
very
important
to every person and no-one can guarantee the morality of
private
healthcare.
However
,
private
healthcare may
help
progress the economy and fulfil the needs of the
people
that have
an abilities
to access the
service
,
hence
, the
advantages
of
private
healthcare may outweigh the disadvantages and
make
it become more acceptable to the most of the public.

Follow an original instinct, individuals
often
seek for better
medical
service
with less waiting
time and
they
also
want to have their
own
personal doctor,
good
quality medicine, better hospital equipment,
that is
the
first
advantage
of
private
healthcare,
because
of it's offer an opportunity to a person that have
enough
money to access a premium
medical
service
. This
advantage
will fulfil the need to be a well-being of the
people
that have
an abilities
to access the
service
,
as a result
, it's will
help
increase the happiness of these
people
.

The second
advantage
it is why
medical
service
should
be run
by profit-making
companies
because
of the
companies
usually
invest most of their revenue on research and development of new medicines and technologies such as; anticancer medicine, hospital equipment,
medical
care technique.
As a result
, this will lead to an improvement of
medical
service
and will
make
it less expensive and will be reachable by the poor.

Finally
, even a result of these
advantages
may lead to temporary social inequality with
many
problems such as; instability, unemployed, robbery, extreme capitalism, these
advantages
of
private
health care may
help
the economy to become more progressive and with a broad vision the
advantages
will
make
the society more equal in the near future.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
25Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay The growth of online shopping will one day lead to all shops in town and cities closing. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
289 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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