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The growth of online shopping will one day lead to all shops in town and cities closing. Do you agree or disagree? v.1

The growth of online shopping will one day lead to all shops in town and cities closing. v. 1
This is true that medical service should not be run by profit-making companies, because of good health is very important to every person and no-one can guarantee the morality of private healthcare. However, private healthcare may help progress the economy and fulfil the needs of the people that have an abilities to access the service, hence, the advantages of private healthcare may outweigh the disadvantages and make it become more acceptable to the most of the public. Follow an original instinct, individuals often seek for better medical service with less waiting time and they also want to have their own personal doctor, good quality medicine, better hospital equipment, that is the first advantage of private healthcare, because of it's offer an opportunity to a person that have enough money to access a premium medical service. This advantage will fulfil the need to be a well-being of the people that have an abilities to access the service, as a result, it's will help increase the happiness of these people. The second advantage it is why medical service should be run by profit-making companies because of the companies usually invest most of their revenue on research and development of new medicines and technologies such as; anticancer medicine, hospital equipment, medical care technique. As a result, this will lead to an improvement of medical service and will make it less expensive and will be reachable by the poor. Finally, even a result of these advantages may lead to temporary social inequality with many problems such as; instability, unemployed, robbery, extreme capitalism, these advantages of private health care may help the economy to become more progressive and with a broad vision the advantages will make the society more equal in the near future.
This is true that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
service
should not
be run
by profit-making
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
health is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to every person and no-one can guarantee the morality of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
private
healthcare.
However
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
private
healthcare may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
progress the economy and fulfil the needs of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
that have
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "an ability" or simply "abilities"?
an abilities
to access the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
service
,
hence
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advantages
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
private
healthcare may outweigh the disadvantages and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
it become more acceptable to the most of the public.

Follow an original instinct, individuals
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
seek for better
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
service
with less waiting
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
time and
they
also
want to have their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
personal doctor,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
quality medicine, better hospital equipment,
that is
the
first
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advantage
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
private
healthcare,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of it's offer an opportunity to a person that have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
money to access a premium
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
service
. This
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advantage
will fulfil the need to be a well-being of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
that have
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "an ability" or simply "abilities"?
an abilities
to access the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
service
,
as a result
, it's will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
increase the happiness of these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

The second
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advantage
it is why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
service
should
be run
by profit-making
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
usually
invest most of their revenue on research and development of new medicines and technologies such as; anticancer medicine, hospital equipment,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medical
care technique.
As a result
, this will lead to an improvement of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
service
and will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
it less expensive and will be reachable by the poor.

Finally
, even a result of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advantages
may lead to temporary social inequality with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
problems such as; instability, unemployed, robbery, extreme capitalism, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advantages
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
private
health care may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
the economy to become more progressive and with a broad vision the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advantages
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the society more equal in the near future.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
25Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
Language is the blood of the soul into which thoughts run and out of which they grow.
Oliver Wendell Holmes

IELTS essay The growth of online shopping will one day lead to all shops in town and cities closing. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
289 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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