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the growth of online shopping will one day lead to all shops in town closing. do you agree or disagree v.1

the growth of online shopping will one day lead to all shops in town closing. v. 1
It is often thought that there is a huge increase in online shopping and that this development will close all stores in the city centre. However, in my point of view, I totally disagree with this and believe that the traditional way of buying clothes will still be here. First of all, not every person is favourable for this development. The reason for this is that for some people it is difficult to find the exact size on the internet. In other words, they do like to try things on first before purchasing it for a decent price. For example, it can be seen that there is a slightly different in width when buying it on the computer. So, that's why some of them prefer to make some time and explore in the shops. Secondly, not everybody is in possession of the internet or a laptop. This is because some families do not earn enough to pay extra bills, which are not necessary for a basic lifestyle. For example, poor households do like to go several outlets to compare the prices. All in all, there will be still some humans who are obtaining their garments outside rather than the internet. To conclude, electronic commerce is rising, some of them believe that one day all the shops in the town will be closed down. In my opinion, I strongly believe that the existence of those stores will be still here because not everybody likes buying thing with the help of electronics. Furthermore, there are some who can't afford it as well.
It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
that there is a huge increase in online shopping and that this development will close all stores in the city
Possible spelling mistake. 'centre' is British English.
centre
.
However
, in my point of view, I
totally
disagree with this and believe that the traditional way of buying clothes will
still
be here.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, not every person is
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourable' is British English.
favourable
for this development.
The reason for this is
that for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
it is difficult to find the exact size on the internet.
In other words
, they do like to try things on
first
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
purchasing it for a decent price.
For example
, it can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
that there is a
slightly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
in width when buying it on the computer.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, that's why
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of them prefer to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
time and explore in the shops.

Secondly
, not everybody is in possession of the internet or a laptop. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
families do not earn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to pay extra bills, which are not necessary for a basic lifestyle.
For example
, poor households do like to go several outlets to compare the prices. All in all, there will be
still
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
humans who are obtaining their garments outside
rather
than the internet.

To conclude
, electronic commerce is rising,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of them believe that one day all the shops in the town will
be closed
down. In my opinion, I
strongly
believe that the existence of those stores will be
still
here
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
not everybody likes buying thing with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
of electronics.
Furthermore
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
who can't afford it
as well
.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay the growth of online shopping will one day lead to all shops in town closing. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
260 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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