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We live today in an electronic information age. It is easier to be connected by technology yet many people seem to no closer to feeling happy in their lives. To what extend do you agree or disagree? v.2

We live today in an electronic information age. It is easier to be connected by technology yet many people seem to no closer to feeling happy in their lives. v. 2
It is generally acknowledged that living in the electronic information era facilitates the connection between individuals. However, it is sometimes argued that a large number of them are not even close to feel happy with the way they live. Personally, I firmly agree with the perspective for two main reasons. To begin with, the technology has revolutionized the way we communicate each other. Online communication applications and social media websites provide instant information about people's lives owing to the fact that everybody can easily see other's lives. Especially seeing everyday life's of wealthy people leads the majority to focusing on what they do not have in their lives resulting in unhappiness in their lives as they emulate the rich life. This has been evidenced by numerous academic studies the latest of which is one published by the University of Sydney in 2016 concluding that individuals who are in between 18-40 years old spend 75% of their time on social media by following celebrities and they usually complain about the things that they do not have. The study further shows that 99% of them have depression as they do not know how to be satisfied with their belongings. Furthermore, most of the population who connect via the internet do not focus on the moment as they keep checking their social media accounts. Due to the fact that they miss the time that might create unforgettable memories. This results in connecting with technology yet leading to disconnection with the rest of the world. As a consequence, we might have a higher amount of unhappy individuals in the society. According to the statistics released by the Social Life Committee of Russia in 2018, additive use of the internet, specifically the social media causes introversion which leads to skipping the best moments in their lives. Moreover, when the younger generations grow up, there is a high chance that they will not have memories with family members as they do not share any time with them. As a result, the society would have unhappy introverted generations. In conclusion, the era of the electronic information has brought convenience in connectivity, however, people start to feel unhappy in their lives given the fact that they focus on other people's richness and they do not live the moment.
It is
generally
acknowledged that living in the electronic information era facilitates the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
connection between
individuals.
However
, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
argued that
Specify a number, remove phrase, or simply use "many" or "numerous"
a large number of
them are not even close to feel happy with the way they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
.
Personally
, I
firmly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the perspective for two main reasons.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, the technology has revolutionized the way we communicate each other. Online communication applications and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
websites provide instant information about
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
owing to the fact that everybody can
easily
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
other's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
.
Especially
seeing everyday life's of wealthy
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
leads the majority to focusing on what they do not have in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
resulting in unhappiness in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
as they emulate the rich life. This has
been evidenced
by numerous academic studies the latest of which is one published by the University of Sydney in 2016 concluding that individuals who are in between 18-40 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
spend 75% of their time on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
by following
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
celebrities and
they
usually
complain about the things that they do not have. The study
further
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
that 99% of them have depression as they do not know how to
be satisfied
with their belongings.

Furthermore
, most of the population who connect via the internet do not focus on the moment as they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
checking their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
accounts. Due to the fact that they miss the time that might create unforgettable memories. This results in connecting with technology
yet
leading to disconnection with the rest of the world. As a consequence, we might have a higher amount of unhappy individuals in the society. According to the statistics released by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Social
Life Committee of Russia in 2018, additive
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of the internet,
specifically
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
causes introversion which leads to skipping the best moments in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
.
Moreover
, when the younger generations grow up, there is a high chance that they will not have memories with family members as they do not share any time with them.
As a result
, the society would have unhappy introverted generations.

In conclusion
, the era of the electronic information has brought convenience in connectivity,
however
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
to feel unhappy in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
the fact that they focus on other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
richness and
they do not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
the moment.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay We live today in an electronic information age. It is easier to be connected by technology yet many people seem to no closer to feeling happy in their lives. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
380 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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