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The graphs below show the enrollments of overseas students and local students in Australian universities over a ten year period. v.1

The graphs below show the enrollments of overseas students and local students in Australian universities over a ten year period. v. 1
Artists should be allowed to create their own creation by means of pictures, music, words and film without any restrictions. I totally agree with this statement because of human rights and society flourishing. As we know, artists express their ideas by means of their arts, so if they are not being allowed to express their art, their freedom of expression will diminish obviously, which is against the human rights law, so it is better for authorities respect the rights of all walks of the life in their countries, otherwise they might be fined by international organizations. Moreover, if all artists such as writers, directors, painters and musicians could create their art with an open mind, their talents would flourish more and more, which leads to make more creative arts. Increasing the creativity level in artistic production have a positive effect on the motivation of the society, which lead to spread great feelings and happiness for individuals, because I myself feel positive and energetic when I see a creative film or painting. So I believe it is better to let our artists do their work in such a way that they wish. However, some people might say that, if artists can express their minds freely without any restrictions, it might be harmful to our authorities’ security. I disagree with this statement, because expressing the opinion of artists, could be conduct a useful competition between our authorities to do their responsibilities as well as they can, which leads to have a more efficient society. In conclusion, I believe that, our artists should be allowed to create their own production without any barrier for respecting the human rights and also flourishing the creativity of the society.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Artists
should be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to create their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
creation by means of pictures, music, words and film without any restrictions. I
totally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this statement
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of human
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rights
and society flourishing.

As we know,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artists
express their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
by means of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
if they are not being
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to express their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
, their freedom of expression will diminish
obviously
, which is against the human
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rights
law,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
it is better for authorities respect the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rights
of all walks of the life in their countries,
otherwise
they might
be fined
by international organizations.

Moreover
, if all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artists
such as writers, directors, painters and musicians could create their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
with an open mind, their talents would flourish more and more, which leads to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
more creative
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
. Increasing the creativity level in artistic production have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
effect on the motivation of the society, which lead to spread great feelings and happiness for individuals,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
I myself feel
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
and energetic when I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
a creative film or painting.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
I believe it is better to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artists
do their work in such a way that they wish.

However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
might say that, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artists
can express their minds
freely
without any restrictions, it might be harmful to our authorities’ security. I disagree with this statement,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
expressing the opinion of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artists
, could be conduct a useful competition between our authorities to do their responsibilities
as well
as they can, which leads to have a more efficient society.

In conclusion
, I believe that, our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artists
should be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to create their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
production without any barrier for respecting the human
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rights
and
also
flourishing the creativity of the society.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
The man who does not know other languages, unless he is a man of genius, necessarily has deficiencies in his ideas.
Victor Hugo

IELTS essay The graphs below show the enrollments of overseas students and local students in Australian universities over a ten year period. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
283 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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