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Some pp think success in life comes from hardworking and determination. Others think money and appearance are more important. Discuss both sides and give your opinion. v.1

Some pp think success in life comes from hardworking and determination. Others think money and appearance are more important. v. 1
An increasing concern for many people around the world is that the younger generation more tends to commit a crime compared to the past. While there are many factors which lead to this, there are various ways to overcome this problem. In this essay, I will outline the reasons why the dire state of affairs is occurring and explore some potential solutions to this topic. From an overall perspective, there are two main reasons why this issue is rather common among teenagers. It is a well-known fact that one who needs parental cares is neglected by one's parents during her/his childhood. This is due to parents responsible for him or her has a various task that they have to do, such as to work hard, to gain money and to struggle their own personal problems. The result of lack of parent's interest which is the crucial role of a child's life is that their links with family are damaged, which in turn leads to a propensity for violence. Secondly the increasing level of poverty around the world. Moreover, the rich get richer, the poor get poorer. Unless the balance income fix, it is sure to adolescents resort illegal way to get what others have. Therefore the problem caused by fewer earnings should not be underestimated. However, there are a variety of viable solutions at hand to address this problem. Firstly, by supporting families as material and spiritual when they demand, we could make it less likely that youths will commit crimes when they live in prosperity. In addition, it is unreasonable to suggest that teenagers should not be punished to deter them from crime although the problem relates outside factors. For this reason, parents also have to take more responsibilities for actions caused by their children. They might be punished if their children commit a crime. In conclusion, youth crime is an issue which will continue our attention for the foreseeable future. If the authorities choose to ignore this issue, the future of our society and people will be in more danger
An increasing concern for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
around the world is that the younger generation more tends to commit a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
compared to the past. While there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
factors which lead to this, there are various ways to overcome this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
. In this essay, I will outline the reasons why the dire state of affairs is occurring and explore
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
potential solutions to this topic.

From an
overall
perspective, there are two main reasons why this issue is
rather
common among
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
.
It is a well-known fact that
one who needs parental cares
is neglected
by one's parents during her/his childhood. This is due to parents responsible for him or her has a various task that they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
do, such as to work
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
, to gain money and to struggle their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
. The result of lack of parent's interest which is the crucial role of a child's life is that their links with family
are damaged
, which in turn leads to a propensity for violence.

Secondly
the increasing level of poverty around the world.
Moreover
, the rich
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
richer, the poor
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
poorer. Unless the balance income
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fix
,
In English, people don't say 'it is sure'. They say, 'it is certain that'. Did you mean "it is certain"?
it is sure
to adolescents resort illegal way to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
what others have.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Therefore
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
caused by fewer earnings should not
be underestimated
.

However
, there are a variety of viable solutions at hand to address this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
.
Firstly
, by supporting families as material and spiritual when they demand, we could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
it less likely that youths will commit
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
when they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in prosperity.
In addition
, it is unreasonable to suggest that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
should not
be punished
to deter them from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
although the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
relates outside factors.
For this reason
, parents
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
take more responsibilities for actions caused by their children. They might
be punished
if their children commit a crime.

In conclusion
, youth
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
is an issue which will continue our attention for the foreseeable future. If the authorities choose to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignore
this issue, the future of our society and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
will be in more
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
danger
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Some pp think success in life comes from hardworking and determination. Others think money and appearance are more important. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
341 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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