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The graph under show the percentage of student satisfaction of the staff in four colleges from 1991 to 2002 v.1

The graph under show the percentage of student satisfaction of the staff in four colleges from 1991 to 2002 v. 1
Since the boom in the television market, it has created a great impact on our life. It is thought by many people that weight problem in children is caused by watching TV. In my opinion, although watching TV itself is not the reason behind the weight gain, watching it for excessive hours can cause this issue; however, diet also plays an important role in the same. One of the aspects that have to take care is not just TV, but the time spent in front of it is more important. If a child watches TV for excessive hours, it will cause ignorance towards the essential activity of a child's life that is 'Playing' which further can lead to serious health issue such as obesity. Secondly, a diet is also important for a health body. A child can become obese if the diet consists of an unhealthy meal and processed food, which contain high level of saturated fat and sugar. Inactivity and poor diet, both contribute to the weight gain problem in children. To resolve these problems, effective measures should be taken, not only by parents but also by schools. First of all, parents should restrict watching TV to limited time maintaining a routine in the house. Children must be encouraged for physical activities both by parents and school by motivating them to play games or sports. Along with that, children should be provided nourished food. In addition to teaching them benefits of healthy food; parents should engage them in the cooking process, which will help in building more interest in them toward food. In conclusion, by introducing children to sports and exercises as well as providing them better diet can avoid weight issues in children.
Since the boom in the television market, it has created a great impact on our life. It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
weight
problem in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
is caused
by watching TV. In my opinion, although watching TV itself is not the reason behind the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
weight
gain, watching it for excessive hours can cause this issue;
however
, diet
also
plays an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role in the same.

One of the aspects that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
take care is not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
TV,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the time spent in front of it is more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
. If a child
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watches
TV for excessive hours, it will cause ignorance towards the essential activity of a child's life
that is
'Playing' which
further
can lead to serious health issue such as obesity.
Secondly
, a diet is
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for a health body. A child can become obese if the diet consists of an unhealthy meal and processed food, which contain high level of saturated
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
and sugar. Inactivity and poor diet, both contribute to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
weight
gain problem in children.

To resolve these problems, effective measures should
be taken
, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
by schools.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should restrict watching TV to limited time maintaining a routine in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be encouraged
for physical activities both by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and school by motivating them to play games or sports. Along with that,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should
be provided
nourished food.
In addition
to teaching them benefits of healthy food;
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should engage them in the cooking process, which will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
in building more interest in them toward food.

In conclusion
, by introducing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to sports and exercises
as well
as providing them better diet can avoid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
weight
issues in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay The graph under show the percentage of student satisfaction of the staff in four colleges from 1991 to 2002 v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
285 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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