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The graph compares the percentage of theinternational and the percentage of UK student gaining second class degrees or better at a major UK university v.1

The graph compares the percentage of theinternational and the percentage of UK student gaining second class degrees or better at a major UK university v. 1
It is argued that developed countries should allow more evacuees to enter their borders and give them primary support, such as food and shelter. The essay agrees with this statement because rich countries are capable enough to support these kind of people. Elite states have an abundant meal supply for their citizens. The American population has estimated that 30% of their food has been thrown every day. Instead of wasting it, why don't share these supplies to those people who needs it. Sharing some of our blessing is a nice thing to do as an individual. At the end of the day, God wants His people to help one another and be kind to each one. In fact the United States of America, allotted one fourth of its budget for the refugees. Another point to consider is that rich nations have wide areas for deportees to construct their homes. Individuals who are leaving from poorer countries, are fleeing due to famine and lack of resources. That is why countries who have extra land space allocate some of its areas for these people. In Australia only a third of its territory has been occupied by immigrants, so there is still a big space for the non immigrants to build its houses. This cannot affect to their economy because the government has enough budget for everybody. In conclusion, affluent states should welcome everyone who needs help. With this we can preserve the value of humanity and wealthy countries are able to help everyone.
It
is argued
that developed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
more evacuees to enter their borders and give them primary support, such as food and shelter. The essay
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agrees
with this statement
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
rich
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
are capable
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to support
Did you mean "this kind" or "these kinds"?
these kind
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

Elite states have an abundant meal supply for their citizens. The American population has estimated that 30% of their food has
been thrown
every day.
Instead
of wasting it, why don't share these supplies to those
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
Did you mean "need"? Alternatively, check whether the singular of 'people' should be used.
needs
it. Sharing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of our blessing is a nice thing to do as an individual. At the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
of the day, God wants His
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
one another and be kind to each one. In fact the United States of America, allotted one fourth of its budget for the refugees.

Another point to consider is that rich nations have wide areas for deportees to construct their homes. Individuals
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are leaving from poorer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
, are fleeing due to famine and lack of resources.
That is
why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
have extra land space allocate
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of its areas for these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
. In Australia
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
a third of its territory has
been occupied
by immigrants,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
there is
still
a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
space for the non immigrants to build its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
houses
. This cannot affect to their economy
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
budget for everybody.

In conclusion
, affluent states should welcome everyone
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
needs
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
. With this we can preserve the value of humanity and wealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
are able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
everyone.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
The limits of my language mean the limits of my world.
Ludwig Wittgenstein

IELTS essay The graph compares the percentage of theinternational and the percentage of UK student gaining second class degrees or better at a major UK university v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
251 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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