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The graph below shows the participation of children in selected leisure activities in Australia. v.1

The graph below shows the participation of children in selected leisure activities in Australia. v. 1
Some nations are grappling with the booming in criminality. There are a variety of solutions to solve such puzzle, but many believe that the most efficient way is increasing the number of police officers on the street. Although such features may prove damaging in crime rates with obvious reasons, I strongly believe that tackling the root causes is the optimal way to reduce the crime proportion. To begin with, it is undeniable the fact that increasing the number of policemen can act as a deterrent for criminals who have any purposes to commit a crime. Take USA in the early 90s under Kenedy presidents is an example, America at this time was deemed as a haven for offenders so that one of many effective way to tackle this issue of this president was increasing police presences on streets that led to a reciprocal decline in crime figures. However, such above-mentioned features just work well if governments take into account of bearing with the root causes. In fact, the percentage of crime is related directly to poverty and indirectly to education, you can see in many thriving countries where there are modern educational systems, helping youngsters to upgrade their academic performance. For example, in Japan renowned with the most logical educational systems, students in this country graduated from high schools or universities were educated to gain essential knowledge and skills which aligned well with what the job markets were looking for. As the result, every resident of Japan had their own job so that they can have sufficient money to afford for a high standard life and had no incentive to commit any crimes. To sum up, while increasing the number of police officers is a valid standpoint, it is not feasible to root out crime. Instead of employing more cops, the governments should concentrate on education and the economy that can lead to a correspondingly drop in crime rates.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
nations are grappling with the booming in criminality. There are a variety of solutions to solve such puzzle,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
believe that the most efficient way is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increasing
the number of police officers on the street. Although such features may prove damaging in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
rates with obvious reasons, I
strongly
believe that tackling the root causes is the optimal way to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
proportion.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, it is undeniable the fact that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increasing
the number of policemen can act as a deterrent for criminals who have any purposes to commit a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
. Take USA in the early 90s under
Possible spelling mistake found.
Kenedy
presidents is an example, America at this time
was deemed
as a haven for offenders
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that one of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
effective way to tackle this issue of this president was
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increasing
police presences on streets that led to a reciprocal decline in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
figures.

However
, such above-mentioned features
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
work well if
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
take into account of bearing with the root causes. In fact, the percentage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
is related
directly
to poverty and
indirectly
to education, you can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
thriving countries where there are modern educational systems, helping youngsters to upgrade their academic performance.
For example
, in Japan renowned with the most logical educational systems, students in this country graduated from high schools or universities
were educated
to gain essential knowledge and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
which aligned well with what the job markets were looking for. As the result, every resident of Japan had their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
job
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they can have sufficient money to afford for a high standard life and had no incentive to commit any crimes.

To sum up, while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increasing
the number of police officers is a valid standpoint, it is not feasible to root out
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
.
Instead
of employing more cops, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
should concentrate on education and the economy that can lead to a
You used an adverb ('correspondingly') instead of an adjective, or a noun ('drop') instead of another adjective.
correspondingly drop
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
rates.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay The graph below shows the participation of children in selected leisure activities in Australia. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
319 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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