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The bar chart below show the participation of children in selected leisure activities in Australia v.1

The bar chart below show the participation of children in selected leisure activities in Australia v. 1
Many teachers hold the view that international exchange programs would bring benefits to all teenage school students. In my opinion, although such programs can be disadvantageous to students to a certain extent, I believe that the advantages are still more significant. To begin with, the biggest difficulty for students when attending an exchange program is the financial burden on their families. More specifically, many parents whose income is at a low or average level may struggle to cover tuition fees and daily living expenses for their children, especially when students study in a developed country. To make matter worse, students who travel to another country through an educational exchange program would not receive the medical coverage like the local people. Therefore, if an exchange student happens to encounter a serious health problem during their stay, it will cost their family a fortune to cover the cost of healthcare services and medications in a foreign country. However, there are numerous benefits that can be gained from international student exchange programs. Firstly, studying abroad allows students to significantly improve their foreign language skills. In fact, when studying in a new country, students will have the perfect opportunity to engage in conversations with their classmates and teachers, in both academic and general contexts on a daily basis, which is the perfect condition for them to improve their language skills. Furthermore, studying in a developed country often gives students access to more modern and effective facilities and methods of learning. Finally, although studying abroad can be costly, all international students have equal opportunities to apply for scholarships and financial aid from the host country to ease such financial burdens. In conclusion, though financial problems may cause some difficulties for students and their families when participating in international exchange programs, the positive aspects that such programs bring to students are well-worth the cost.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
teachers hold the view that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
international
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exchange
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
programs
would bring benefits to all teenage school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
. In my opinion, although such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
programs
can be disadvantageous to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to a certain extent, I believe that the advantages are
still
more significant.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, the biggest difficulty for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
when attending an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exchange
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
program
is the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
burden on their families. More
specifically
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
parents whose income is at a low or average level may struggle to cover tuition fees and daily living expenses for their children,
especially
when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
study in a developed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
matter worse,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
who travel to another
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
through an educational
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exchange
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
program
would not receive the medical coverage like the local
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.
Therefore
, if an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exchange
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
happens to encounter a serious health problem during their stay, it will cost their family a fortune to cover the cost of healthcare services and medications in a foreign country.

However
, there are numerous benefits that can
be gained
from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
international
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exchange
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
programs
.
Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studying
abroad
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to
significantly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their foreign language
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
. In fact, when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studying
in a new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
will have the perfect opportunity to engage in conversations with their classmates and teachers, in both academic and general contexts on a daily basis, which is the perfect condition for them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their language
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.
Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studying
in a developed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
gives
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
access to more modern and effective facilities and methods of learning.
Finally
, although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studying
abroad can be costly, all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
international
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
have equal opportunities to apply for scholarships and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
aid from the host
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ease
such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
burdens.

In conclusion
, though
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
problems may cause
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
difficulties for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
and their families when participating in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
international
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exchange
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
programs
, the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
aspects that such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
programs
bring to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
are well-worth the cost.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay The bar chart below show the participation of children in selected leisure activities in Australia v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
308 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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