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The graph below shows the number of graduates from the Higher College of Technology for men and women in the year 1999. v.1

The graph below shows the number of graduates from the Higher College of Technology for men and women in the year 1999. v. 1
Changes in life are inevitable and although some people think that it can benefit them, others consider that everything ought to be the same. In my opinion, I believe that it can bring about more advantages compared to any drawbacks it might bring. There are two main benefits that can be acquired from change, which are new abilities and knowledge. This is because of the fact that they have to try new things or activities that they have never tried to attempt previously, hence allowing them to achieve new skills and experiences. For instance, in 1980, when the first automated machine was introduced, The Indian Government decided to change their educational objective to force the younger generation to learn computer subjects, which has resulted them to be the current global leading technology country. Therefore, if the India's government chose to live in a stagnant life, it will be very unlikely for the country to be successful. Nevertheless, constant updates mean that people are continuously required to adjust their environments. This change can be challenging for some people, especially for introverts, as they have to be exposed with a new surrounding and location. Researchers discovered that immigrants who migrated to a new country will at least spend six months in different cities prior calling their new place as home and another year before having a new group of friends. In conclusion, having to obtain new skills and knowledge far outweighs any of the minor disadvantages that could result from any changes that might occur in life.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Changes
in life are inevitable and although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that it can benefit them, others consider that everything ought to be the same. In my opinion, I believe that it can bring about more advantages compared to any drawbacks it might bring.

There are two main benefits that can
be acquired
from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
change
, which are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
abilities and knowledge. This is
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "because".
because of the fact that
they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
try
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
things or activities that they have never tried to attempt previously,
hence
allowing them to achieve
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and experiences.
For instance
, in 1980, when the
first
automated machine
was introduced
, The Indian
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Government
decided to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
change
their educational objective to force the younger generation to learn computer subjects, which has resulted them to be the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
global leading technology country.
Therefore
, if the India's
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
chose to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in a stagnant life, it will be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
unlikely for the country to be successful.

Nevertheless
, constant updates mean that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are
continuously
required to adjust their environments. This
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
change
can be challenging for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
,
especially
for introverts, as they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
be exposed
with a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
surrounding and location. Researchers discovered that immigrants who migrated to a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
country will at least spend six months in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
cities prior calling their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
place as home and another year
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
having a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
group of friends.

In conclusion
, having to obtain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and knowledge far outweighs any of the minor disadvantages that could result from any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
changes
that might occur in life.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.
Nelson Mandela

IELTS essay The graph below shows the number of graduates from the Higher College of Technology for men and women in the year 1999. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
255 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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