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The graph below shows the rate of attendance for primary and secondary schools for boys and girls across the world v.1

The graph below shows the rate of attendance for primary and secondary schools for boys and girls across the world v. 1
Team sports play a vital and indispensable role in shaping up the student culture in the right direction. Improving collaboration between team members and attaining leadership qualities are some of the lessons being learned with these kind of activities, which will eventually help them in future prospects. First and foremost, team sports like football and cricket are considered as interesting and challenging sports adopted by a majority of the school students. Every player of the team would like to contribute their best to win the game at any cost. To achieve that, collaboration is the key aspect to build between players. To cite an example, in football main striker has to be supported by all other players to pass on the ball at the right times to achieve the goal. Furthermore, team sports improve the leadership qualities of the children. For instance, the captain will have to think of all the aspects like providing opportunity to all the members equally, solve the problems between team members. Eventually, all the other team members will also try to adopt the same nature and excel in sports. To discuss the futuristic benefits of this development, certainly every student has to move to different places around the globe for their future life. Students will be able to excel in their jobs with these qualities with better team management and leadership qualities. For example, a student who head's the team as a captain in his student life will be able to dispense the same qualities at their work life to manage the subordinates. To summarize, Even though, there are several other indoor games and sports are available, participating in team sports like football and cricket will absolutely help the students to learn team management and leadership skills to defend the cut-through competition in this contemporary world.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Team
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
play a vital and indispensable role in shaping up the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
culture in the right direction. Improving collaboration between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
team
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
members
and attaining
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
leadership
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
qualities
are
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
lessons
being learned
with
Did you mean "this kind" or "these kinds"?
these kind
of activities, which will
eventually
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them in future prospects.

First
and foremost,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
team
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
like football and cricket
are considered
as interesting and challenging
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
adopted by a majority of the school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
. Every player of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
team
would like to contribute their best to win the game at any cost. To achieve that, collaboration is the key aspect to build between players. To cite an example, in football main striker
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
be supported
by all other players to pass on the ball at the right times to achieve the goal.
Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
team
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
leadership
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
qualities
of the children.
For instance
, the captain will
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
of all the aspects like providing opportunity to all the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
members
equally
, solve the problems between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
team
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
members
.
Eventually
, all the other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
team
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
members
will
also
try to adopt the same nature and excel in sports.

To discuss the futuristic benefits of this development,
certainly
every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
places around the globe for their future life.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Students
will be able to excel in their jobs with these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
qualities
with better
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
team
management and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
leadership
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
qualities
.
For example
, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
Did you mean "who heads"?
who head's
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
team
as a captain in his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
life will be able to dispense the same
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
qualities
at their work life to manage the subordinates.

To summarize
,
Even though
, there are several other indoor games and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
are available, participating in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
team
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
like football and cricket will
absolutely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to learn
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
team
management and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
leadership
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
to defend the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cut
-through competition in this contemporary world.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay The graph below shows the rate of attendance for primary and secondary schools for boys and girls across the world v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
301 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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