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The graph below gives information about the sales of the three most commonly purchased items in a particular bakery for the year 2014 v.1

The graph below gives information about the sales of the three most commonly purchased items in a particular bakery for the year 2014 v. 1
While some believe that team sports is essential in determining the success of a child's career, others feel this is not true. This essay will discuss both opinions and my thoughts will be provided at the end. Team sports teach children how to work with other people, which is a useful skill for many careers. Team sports show children how they need to work together in order to succeed. Many lines of work require cooperating with one another in order to achieve a common goal. For example, many companies have yearly team-building activities to improve the work of their staff. Therefore, team sports are useful in teaching how working together leads to success. In contrast, individual sports teach children how to not be reliant on others. By not depending on other people, self motivation and a competitive streak is encouraged which are both important skills to advance in a career. Those involved in team sports, for example cricket, are less motivated to pull their weight because their team members can pick them up if they fail. Additionally, people who play individual sports have shown to have better work ethic which results in more promotions. For this reason, individual sports promote independence, and in turn, success. In conclusion, while team sports teach children how to interact with others, individual sports are more beneficial as it shows how to not be dependent on others which is better in career-wise. Therefore, in my opinion, team sports are not as useful for career success compared to individual sports.
While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
team
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
is essential in determining the success of a child's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
, others feel this is not true. This essay will discuss both opinions and my thoughts will
be provided
at the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
.

Team
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
teach
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
how to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, which is a useful
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
careers
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Team
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
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children
how they need to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
together in order to succeed.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
lines of
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work
require cooperating with one another in order to achieve a common goal.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
have yearly team-building activities to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
of their staff.
Therefore
,
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team
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
are useful in teaching how working together leads to success.

In contrast
,
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individual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
teach
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
how to not be reliant on others. By not depending on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, self motivation and a competitive streak
is encouraged
which are both
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
to advance in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
. Those involved in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
team
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
,
for example
cricket, are less motivated to pull their weight
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
team
members can pick them up if they fail.
Additionally
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who play
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individual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
have shown to have better
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
ethic which results in more promotions.
For this reason
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
promote independence, and in turn, success.

In conclusion
, while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
team
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
teach
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
how to interact with others,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
are more beneficial as it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
how to not be dependent on others which is better in career-wise.
Therefore
, in my opinion,
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team
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
are not as useful for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
career
success compared to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay The graph below gives information about the sales of the three most commonly purchased items in a particular bakery for the year 2014 v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
254 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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