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Competition increases in every person's life. To what extend do you agree or disagree? v.1

Competition increases in every person's life. v. 1
In some countries, an increasing number of businesses are open for longer periods of time per day. In this essay I will discuss the positives, including accommodating more people and the negatives such as being fatigued and having less family time. One of the main reasons why shops will open for longer hours is to accommodate the majority of the population. Most working class people will do their shopping before or after work. In doing this, they can keep their customers happy. For example, in China, most of the shops open from 10am till 10pm in order to satisfy the needs of the public. In addition, opening for longer hours to benefit the public can also increase the income received. Therefore, long work hours are put in place to accommodate the customers. However, opening for longer hours comes with its drawbacks. One of the main disadvantages is being overworked. Long working hours can be tiring for many which can eventually lead to a burnout. For instance, studies have shown that above average hours of work can have a negative effect on job performance in the long run. For this reason, spending too many hours a day at the job can have a negative effect. Additionally, long work hours can affect the family dynamic as less time will be spent on them. The family can feel neglected which, in turn, comes with its own drawbacks including delinquency. Children may not receive the necessary support from their hard-working parents and resort to alcoholism or drugs. Therefore, long work hours also has an effect on the family. In conclusion, even though longer work hours per day can satisfy the needs of the public, the negative effects, including overworked staff and neglected family, outweigh the positive effects.
In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
countries, an increasing number of businesses are open for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
longer
periods of time per day. In this essay I will discuss the positives, including accommodating more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
and the negatives such as
being fatigued
and having less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
time.

One of the main reasons why shops will open for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
longer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
is to accommodate the majority of the population. Most working
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
will do their shopping
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
or after
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
. In doing this, they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
their customers happy.
For example
, in China, most of the shops open from 10am till 10pm in order to satisfy the needs of the public.
In addition
, opening for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
longer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
to benefit the public can
also
increase the income received.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
are put
in place to accommodate the customers.

However
, opening for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
longer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
with its drawbacks. One of the main disadvantages is
being overworked
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Long
working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
can be tiring for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
which can
eventually
lead to a burnout.
For instance
, studies have shown that above average
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
can have a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
negative
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
effect
on job performance in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
long
run.
For this reason
, spending too
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
a day
In English, people don't say "at the job". They say, 'on the job' or 'at work'. Did you mean "on the job" or "at work"?
at the job
can have a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
negative
effect.

Additionally
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
can affect the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
dynamic as less time will
be spent
on them. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
can feel neglected which, in turn,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
with its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
drawbacks including delinquency. Children may not receive the necessary support from their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
-working parents and resort to alcoholism or drugs.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
also
has an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
effect
on the family.

In conclusion
,
even though
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
longer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
per day can satisfy the needs of the public, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
negative
effects, including overworked staff and neglected
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
, outweigh the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
effects.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Language is not a genetic gift, it is a social gift. Learning a new language is becoming a member of the club – the community of speakers of that language.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay Competition increases in every person's life. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
293 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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