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Nowadays children watch too much TV Why is this happening and what can be done to prevent it v.1

Nowadays children watch too much TV Why is this happening and what can be done to prevent it v. 1
Over the past few years, living in the cities has become increasingly challenging for dwellers despite being considered as an enormous way to seek better opportunities. There are various reasons for this, but to my concern, the authorities could take steps to tackle these problems. In my opinion, there are three major challenges inhabitants have to confront while living in a large metropolis. Firstly, the living expenses in cities are likely to be much higher than it is in rural areas. Citizens have to spend prohibitive prices for accommodation, education, transportation, and even food. Pollution causing by heavy traffics in urban areas is the second most severe issue, making the metropolitan areas less fitting to raise children. People who live in big cities have to face the higher contamination of the presence of carbon dioxide emission and other toxic elements existing in the air. Finally, it is apparent that cities are overcrowded, which can become a fairly hazardous situation as it may cause numerous high crime rates and make citizens more vulnerable to terrorist attacks. For instance, with the population in millions, Paris and New York were suffering from bloody terrorist attacks, causing thousands of deaths and damaged infrastructure. Consequently, living in cities these days could be extremely difficult, unhealthy, and even insecure. To tackle those complicated issues, I believe authorities could take measures to address them. First of all, the government should invest more money in the building of affordable and social housing, which could help to raise the living standard, especially for the less well off. Secondly, moving industrial zones to rural areas would be an excellent solution as this strategy will help to decrease the overcrowding, pollution, and traffic congestion in large metropolises and also balance the urban and rural area's population. Finally, to counter high crime rates, the city administration should try to stem the flow of illegal guns and hold hearings into all government social programs that deal with helping the poor, or try to stop criminal activity. In conclusion, living in the city is a challenging experience for migrants, but it is also a promising town for them to have a prosperous life as long as the authorities implement a range of measures to enhance the quality of life for all city residents.
Over the past few years,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
has become
increasingly
challenging for dwellers despite
being considered
as an enormous way to seek better opportunities. There are various reasons for this,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
to my concern, the authorities could take steps to tackle these problems.

In my opinion, there are three major challenges inhabitants
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
confront while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
in a large metropolis.
Firstly
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
expenses in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
are likely to be much higher than it is in rural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
. Citizens
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
spend prohibitive prices for accommodation, education, transportation, and even food. Pollution causing by heavy traffics in urban
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
is the second most severe issue, making the metropolitan
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
less fitting to raise children.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
face the higher contamination of the presence of carbon dioxide emission and other toxic elements existing in the air.
Finally
, it is apparent that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
are overcrowded
, which can become a
fairly
hazardous situation as it may cause numerous high crime rates and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
citizens more vulnerable to terrorist attacks.
For instance
, with the population in millions, Paris and New York were suffering from bloody terrorist attacks, causing thousands of deaths and damaged infrastructure.
Consequently
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
these days could be
extremely
difficult, unhealthy, and even insecure.

To tackle those complicated issues, I believe authorities could take measures to address them.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should invest more money in the building of affordable and social housing, which could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to raise the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
standard,
especially
for the less well off.
Secondly
, moving industrial zones to rural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
would be an excellent solution as this strategy will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to decrease the overcrowding, pollution, and traffic congestion in large metropolises and
also
balance the urban and rural area's population.
Finally
, to counter high crime rates, the city administration should try to stem the flow of illegal guns and hold hearings into all
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
social programs that deal with helping the poor, or try to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
criminal activity.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
living
in the city is a challenging experience for migrants,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it is
also
a promising town for them to have a prosperous life as long as the authorities implement a range of measures to enhance the quality of life for all city residents.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Nowadays children watch too much TV Why is this happening and what can be done to prevent it v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
379 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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