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The table below gives information about online shopping in one year on UK. It shows the amount of money spent on various items by men and women and the percentages for men and women on the total money spent on those items. v.1

The table below gives information about online shopping in one year on UK. It shows the amount of money spent on various items by men and women and the percentages for men and women on the total money spent on those items. v. 1
While parents obviously play a major role in the way that their child develops as they get older, many people believe that social factors outside of the family now influence children much more. This essay will examine both sides of the argument. There is no doubt that there are factors external to the family that significantly impact on a child’s development. For example, there is television and the internet. Children these days have access to these much more than they used to in the past, and they will pick up language and see things that will teach them about life. Friends also have an important influence as a child will often copy peers that they admire and respect. This could be positive behaviour but it could also be negative, such as smoking or taking drugs. Ultimately, however, it is family who have the most important impact. Children spend nearly all of their time with their family, especially in their early years. They develop their confidence, socialisation skills, morals, values and views on life through their interaction with them. Proof of the importance of this can be seen in the differences between some children. Those that grow up in a dysfunctional home often eventually have problems themselves, whilst those that are brought up in a warm and close environment end up more confident and secure in adult life. To conclude, it is the family that can provide a supportive, secure, and nurturing environment, which is crucial to the way in which a child becomes an adult. Although it is clear that social factors play a part, I would argue that it is the former that is the most important.
While parents
obviously
play a major role in the way that their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
develops as they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
older,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that social factors
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "outside".
outside of
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
influence
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
much more. This essay will examine both sides of the argument.

There is no doubt that there are factors external to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
that
significantly
impact on a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child’s
development.
For example
, there is television and the internet.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
these days have access to these much more than they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to in the past, and they will pick up language and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
things that will teach them about life. Friends
also
have an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
influence as a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
will
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
copy peers that they admire and respect. This could be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it could
also
be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
, such as smoking or taking drugs.

Ultimately
,
however
, it is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
who have the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
impact.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
spend
nearly
all of their time with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
,
especially
in their early years. They develop their confidence,
Possible spelling mistake. 'socialisation' is British English.
socialisation
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
, morals, values and views on life through their interaction with them. Proof of the importance of this can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
in the differences between
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. Those that grow up in a dysfunctional home
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
eventually
have problems themselves, whilst those that
are brought
up in a warm and close environment
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
up more confident and secure in adult life.

To conclude
, it is the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
that can provide a supportive, secure, and nurturing environment, which is crucial to the way in which a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
becomes an adult. Although it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that social factors play a part, I would argue that it is the former
that is
the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay The table below gives information about online shopping in one year on UK. It shows the amount of money spent on various items by men and women and the percentages for men and women on the total money spent on those items. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
278 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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