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The graph below gives information about cinema attendance in Australia between 1990 and the present, with projections to 2010. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where r v.1

The graph below gives information about cinema attendance in Australia between 1990 and the present, with projections to 2010.
It is commonly observed that parents, especially mothers have to quit their jobs in order to take care of their children. Some people believe that such mothers should get paid because of their contribution in raising healthy and active kids. However, I believe that it would create a huge burden over the government along with resentment among other working women. To begin with, the idea of offering wages to housewives, who give up their jobs to take care of their family would adversely impact the national budget. That is to say, most countries are already struggling with the basic problems such as poverty and food scarcity. On the top of that, they have a responsibility to provide financial support to its elderly citizens in the form of pensions. Hence, it would be difficult for the government to provide assistance to people who still have a chance to earn for themselves by doing remote jobs. Furthermore, if government decided to offer financial assistance to women who quit their jobs, it would create a resentment among other working women. In other words, if people can get the salary without going to the office, then they all would resign from their jobs to become a stay home mother. Eventually, government would end up paying all women for staying home, which will create a tension at national level. To conclude, providing financial assistance to women who left their jobs for taking care of their families is not a good approach. I believe, government should focus on creating online employment opportunities, so that people can work from home and earn a salary.
It is
commonly
observed that parents,
especially
mothers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
quit their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
in order to take care of their children.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that such mothers should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
paid
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their contribution in raising healthy and active kids.
However
, I believe that it would create a huge burden over the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
along with resentment among other working women.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
of offering wages to housewives,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
give up their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
to take care of their family would
adversely
impact the national budget.
That is
to say, most countries are already struggling with the basic problems such as poverty and food scarcity. On the top of that, they have a responsibility to provide financial support to its elderly citizens in the form of pensions.
Hence
, it would be difficult for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
to provide assistance to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
still
have a chance to earn for themselves by doing remote jobs.

Furthermore
, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
decided to offer financial assistance to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
quit their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
, it would create a resentment among other working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
.
In other words
, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the salary without going to the office, then they all would resign from their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
to become a stay home mother.
Eventually
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
up paying all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
for staying home, which will create a tension at national level.

To conclude
, providing financial assistance to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
for taking care of their families is not a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
approach. I believe,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should focus on creating online employment opportunities,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can work from home and earn a salary.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay The graph below gives information about cinema attendance in Australia between 1990 and the present, with projections to 2010.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
267 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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