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The graph and pie chart below give information on in house training courses in a large financial company v.1

The graph and pie chart below give information on in house training courses in a large financial company v. 1
The nurturing of children should be taken place under the surveillance of parents. However, others believe that children should have the liberty to do activities in which they have keen interests. This essay will outline both perspectives. On the one hand, many people assert that parents should keep a watchful eye on their children while performing tasks. Primarily, parents have vast knowledge as they are experienced plenty of circumstances in their lives. Therefore, birth givers should restrict their offsprings from the worst activities in order to impede them from indulging in the evil society. Additionally, children are immature as they have a dearth of experience, so they do not know the exact difference between right and wrong. Hence, parents should take care of their children, and they need to spend quality time to inculcate moral, ethical, and traditional values in them. For instance, children like to watch television and surf the internet as leisure activities, but parents can encourage outdoor games to have significant impacts on them rather than playing indoor games. On the other hand, whereas a handful of individuals deem that children should participate in activities as per their inclination. Firstly, parents should leave small decisions on their children since it does not only make them independent but also teach them how they can accomplish tasks without any aid from families. Secondly, when children start thinking on their own, they get more opportunities to become responsible and to identify their abilities to do work. To illustrates, a survey from Oxford University reveals, more than 70% of children are excelling in various fields, which they opted for themselves without any pressure from parents. To conclude, although children should be free in terms of making minor decisions, parents should limit their offsprings when they commit mistakes because parents have a life full of experience as compared to children.
The nurturing of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should
be taken
place under the surveillance of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
.
However
, others believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should have the liberty to do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
in which they have keen interests. This essay will outline both perspectives.

On the one hand,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
assert that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
a watchful eye on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
while performing tasks.
Primarily
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
have vast knowledge as they
are experienced
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plenty
of circumstances in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.
Therefore
, birth givers should restrict their
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "offspring", the plural form of the noun 'offspring'?
offsprings
from the worst
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
in order to impede them from indulging in the evil society.
Additionally
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are immature as they have a dearth of experience,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they do not know the exact difference between right and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
.
Hence
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should take care of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, and they need to spend quality time to inculcate moral, ethical, and traditional values in them.
For instance
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
like to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
television and surf the internet as leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
can encourage outdoor games to have significant impacts on them
rather
than playing indoor games.

On the other hand
, whereas a handful of individuals
Possible agreement error. Did you mean "deems"? (Some collective nouns can be treated as both singular and plural, so 'deem' is not always incorrect.)
deem
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should participate in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
as per their inclination.
Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
decisions on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
since it does not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them independent
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
teach them how they can accomplish tasks without any aid from families.
Secondly
, when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
thinking on their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
more opportunities to become responsible and to identify their abilities to do work. To illustrates, a survey from Oxford University reveals, more than 70% of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are excelling in various fields, which they opted for themselves without any pressure from parents.

To conclude
, although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should be free in terms of making minor decisions,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should limit their
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "offspring", the plural form of the noun 'offspring'?
offsprings
when they commit mistakes
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
have a life full of experience as compared to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay The graph and pie chart below give information on in house training courses in a large financial company v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
308 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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