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the government’s investment in arts, music and drama is a waste of money. Government should invest these funds in public health services instead. To what extend do you agree with this statement. v.1

the government’s investment in arts, music and drama is a waste of money. Government should invest these funds in public health services instead. v. 1
Each subject has a specific reason why it is being taught to begin with. While it's believed by some people that art is a necessary thing for children to be studied at school, others think it's a useless and a time-consuming activity. The Essay will argue why Some people think that art is an essential subject at school, but why others think it is a waste of time. In fact, learning artistic activities, such as drawing and poetry can enrich the soul of a child. Moreover, it will make us see the beauty in everything around us because beauty lies in the eyes of a beholder. For instance, in Italy, a child once drew a picture of his mum dying in her bed, however, he expressed how pretty her features were to him even when she was in agony. Therefore, art not only changes the way we look at things, but also the way we feel towards them. On the contrary, it's claimed by some individuals that learning more about such spiritual subjects may not be as important as teaching children materialistic ones. Furthermore, they claim that this will only waste their valuable time. For example, in Japan, teachers no longer care about explaining the differences between poetry and improvisation, instead, they care about explaining the theory of relativity becaus they think it's more significant. It is for these reasons, it's thought that encouraging students to spend hours everyday painting or writing a poem is preposterous. In conclusion, it's a matter of taste whether we would like education to include art or not. The Essay argued why it's a controversial topic whether including art in curriculum is really essential or it's just a stupid decision. In my opinion, drawing, poetry and other artistic subjects are not only interesting, but also extremely beneficial.
Each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
has a specific reason why it is
being taught
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with. While
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
it's
believed by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
is a necessary thing for children to
be studied
at school, others
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
it's
a useless and a time-consuming activity. The Essay will argue why
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
is an essential
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
at school,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
why others
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
it is a waste of time.

In fact, learning artistic activities, such as drawing and poetry can enrich the soul of a child.
Moreover
, it will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
us
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
the beauty in everything around us
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
beauty lies in the eyes of a beholder.
For instance
, in Italy, a child once drew a picture of his mum dying in her bed,
however
, he expressed how pretty her features were to him even when she was in agony.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
the way we look at things,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
the way we feel towards them.

On the contrary
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
it's
claimed by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
individuals that learning more about such spiritual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
may not be as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
as teaching children materialistic ones.
Furthermore
, they claim that this will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
waste their valuable time.
For example
, in Japan, teachers no longer care about explaining the differences between poetry and improvisation,
instead
, they care about explaining the theory of relativity
Possible spelling mistake found.
becaus
they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
it's
more significant. It is for these reasons,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
it's
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
that encouraging students to spend hours everyday painting or writing a poem is preposterous.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
it's
a matter of taste whether we would like education to include
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
or not. The Essay argued why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
it's
a controversial topic whether including
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
in curriculum is
really
essential or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
it's
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
a stupid decision. In my opinion, drawing, poetry and other artistic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
are not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
interesting,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
extremely
beneficial.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
As a hawk flieth not high with one wing, even so a man reacheth not to excellence with one tongue.
Roger Ascham

IELTS essay the government’s investment in arts, music and drama is a waste of money. Government should invest these funds in public health services instead. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
302 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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