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some people believe that children should study practical skills as managing a bank account, car maintenance, as well as traditional academic courses. Do you agree or disagree? v.2

some people believe that children should study practical skills as managing a bank account, car maintenance, as well as traditional academic courses. v. 2
In every country, government has the power to reach a high economic status. However, some argue that commercial organization should take the responsibility in scientific research to reduce some pressure in regime side. I completely agree with this view, because authority can motivate in different types. In many countries, the scientific research field has been declining in course choice for 2 years because there is a lack of job in this field and there is no appreciation for their work. Politics should give reward for their work since without them we cannot survive in the world. For one clear instance, Convid-19 is a pandemic disease which was spread throughout the world, and death toll increasing daily, from now it reaches above 6000 people died in pandemic but still there is no vaccine is created. In a recent report, one of the researchers in Spain said many football players incomes are more than 1000 million euro, whereas researchers getting only 1000 euro per month, so authorities should responsibilities to increase our salary otherwise people can go to football players to cure their disease. Many researchers in various countries facing this issue due to this, they get mentally affected and they cannot able to produce ideas to solve the problem. However, some people think if the commercial organization takes the control in exploration, then it reduces the burden of power and they can focus on some important side such as poverty. To conclude, government have more responsibility in research field because they can motivate them in hard word by providing rewards but organization should assist the help the government financially to achieve this
In every country,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
has the power to reach a high economic status.
However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
argue that commercial organization should take the responsibility in scientific research to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
pressure in regime side. I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this view,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
authority can motivate in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
types.

In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
countries, the scientific research field has been declining in course choice for 2 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
there is
Possible agreement error. The noun job seems to be countable; consider using: "a lack of jobs".
a lack of job
in this field and there is no appreciation for their work. Politics should give reward for their work since without them we cannot survive in the world. For one
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
instance, Convid-19 is a pandemic disease which
was spread
throughout the world, and death toll increasing daily, from
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
it reaches above 6000
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
died
in pandemic
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
still
there is no vaccine
is created
. In a recent report, one of the researchers in Spain said
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
football players incomes are more than 1000 million
Possible agreement error. The noun 'euro' seems to be countable, so consider using: "euros".
euro
, whereas researchers getting
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
1000
Possible agreement error. The noun 'euro' seems to be countable, so consider using: "euros".
euro
per month,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
authorities should responsibilities to increase our salary
otherwise
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
can go to football players to cure their disease.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
researchers in various countries facing this issue due to this, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
mentally
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
affected and
they
Did you mean "cannot be able"?
cannot able
to produce
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
to solve the problem.

However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
if the commercial organization takes the control in exploration, then it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduces
the burden of
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
power and
they can focus on
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
side such as poverty.

To conclude
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
have more responsibility in research field
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they can motivate them in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
word by providing rewards
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
organization should assist the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
financially
to achieve this
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Language comes first. It’s not that language grows out of consciousness, if you haven’t got language, you can’t be conscious.
Alan Moore

IELTS essay some people believe that children should study practical skills as managing a bank account, car maintenance, as well as traditional academic courses. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
270 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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