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some teachers and parents feel that controlling child behavior is good. Others feel that they should not be controlled. Discuss both views and give your opinion. v.2

some teachers and parents feel that controlling child behavior is good. Others feel that they should not be controlled. v. 2
These days, an increasing number of women are bearing children when they are over 40 which was not the case before. In my opinion, I believe the problems outshines the advantages in that, a woman may develop medical issues at an old age or have problems getting pregnant. Firstly, a lot of the female population is more interested in developing their careers. This was not the case in the past when women had kids in their 20s and 30s. In other words, they prefer to first develop their professional lives before thinking about having offsprings. For example, my sister decided to get married at age 37 and had her first child at 38years so she could concentrate on Law school. Secondly, more women are discovering that how delicate child rearing decision is so, they are taking their time to be certain. Finally, men are not as responsible as they were before, this in turn makes ladies to be more meticulous in the choice of who they will reproduce with and it may take time. For instance, a friend was heartbroken by her partner of 5years while she was already 38years, it may take another two years to bounce back and make up her mind about kids. In my opinion, the downside definitely overrides the advantages. There are two major drawbacks to people deciding to have children at older ages. One is the fact that their biological clock is ticking and they may experience difficulties conceiving. Another point to note is that, despite that they may want to build their careers, they may not get the type of relationship they desire when they are available to take that step. Also, there are more health conditions associated with older people, such as fibroid, ovarian issues and the likes. Take for instance, my colleague who planned to have babies at 40years, she had to wait for another three years because she encountered Fallopian problems. In conclusion, the women folk should make up their minds on bringing forth babies as earliest as possible. However, anyone that wants to delay should invest in freezing their eggs so they have that option in the future.
These days, an increasing number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
are bearing children when they are over 40 which was not the case
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
. In my opinion, I believe the problems outshines the advantages in that, a woman may develop medical issues at an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
age or have problems getting pregnant.

Firstly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
the female population is more interested in developing their careers. This was not the case in the past when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
had kids in their 20s and 30s.
In other words
, they prefer to
first
develop their professional
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
thinking about having
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "offspring", the plural form of the noun 'offspring'?
offsprings
.
For example
, my sister decided to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
married at age 37 and had her
first
child at 38years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
she could concentrate on Law school.
Secondly
, more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
are discovering that how delicate child rearing decision is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
, they are taking their time to be certain.
Finally
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
are not as responsible as they were
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
, this in turn
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
ladies to be more meticulous in the choice of
In a formal text, use "whom", not 'who'.
who
they will reproduce with and it may take time.
For instance
, a friend was heartbroken by her partner of 5years while she was already 38years, it may take another two years to bounce back and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
up her mind about kids.

In my opinion, the downside definitely overrides the advantages. There are two major drawbacks to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
deciding to have children at older ages. One is the fact that their biological clock is
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
ticking and
they may experience difficulties conceiving. Another point to note is that, despite that they may want to build their careers, they may not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the type of relationship they desire when they are available to take that step.
Also
, there are more health conditions associated with older
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, such as fibroid, ovarian issues and the likes. Take
for instance
, my colleague who planned to have babies at 40years, she had to wait for another three years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
she encountered Fallopian problems.

In conclusion
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
folk should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
up their minds on bringing forth babies as
Did you mean "early"?
earliest
as possible.
However
, anyone that wants to delay should invest in freezing their eggs
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they have that option in the future.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
One language sets you in a corridor for life. Two languages open every door along the way.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay some teachers and parents feel that controlling child behavior is good. Others feel that they should not be controlled. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
359 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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