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The government should spend money to encourage sports and arts in school children, rather than on professional sports and art performance for the general public. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.2

The government should spend money to encourage sports and arts in school children, rather than on professional sports and art performance for the general public. v. 2
There is no doubt that sports and arts play a very crucial role in development of a nation. While it is opine that, council authorities should motivate school children to learn sports and art activities, however they should not encourage the professional aspect of these skills. I do not completely agree with either of these perspectives and will support my explanation with relevant examples. On the one hand, students should be encouraged to participate in these skills for their growth and development. This is because, learners should have autonomy to choose, which help them to acknowledge new dimensions of their life. For example, according to a report published by the UK newspaper in 2011, highlighted the neuro- cognitive development of these students who were involved in skills like sports or arts (music, painting, dancing). In contrast, a strict supervision should be done on children so that they do not over indulge and loose concentration from academics. As a result, they would perform mediocrely in both aspects of life. On the other hand, I believe Buroaucrates should motivate the professional aspect of these skills. The reason is that, it would create a sense of patriotism as well as generate revenue, which would help in boosting economy of a country. For instance, in my own experience, I am a professional tennis player and have received tremendous accolades and financial benefits due to this. As a result, I donate this amount for the welfare of my state. However, the atheletes should not exploit this gift for their personal benefits. Therefore, I believe whether these skills are encouraged at school or professional level, personality and environmental factors play an important role in choosing how to utilize these gifts. In conclusion, while it is beneficial to encourage school learners to learn sports and arts, I believe it should also be promoted professionally to lead them to a path of success.
There is no doubt that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
play a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
crucial role in development of a nation. While it is
Consider using a past participle here: "opined".
opine
that, council authorities should motivate school children to learn
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
activities,
however
they should not encourage the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professional
aspect of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
. I do not completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with either of these perspectives and will support my explanation with relevant examples.

On the one hand, students should
be encouraged
to participate in these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
for their growth and development. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
, learners should have autonomy to choose, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to acknowledge new dimensions of their life.
For example
, according to a report published by the UK newspaper in 2011, highlighted the
Possible spelling mistake found.
neuro
- cognitive development of these students who
were involved
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
like
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
(music, painting, dancing).
In contrast
, a strict supervision should
be done
on children
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they do not over indulge and loose concentration from academics.
As a result
, they would perform
Possible spelling mistake found.
mediocrely
in both aspects of life.

On the other hand
, I believe
Possible spelling mistake found.
Buroaucrates
should motivate the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professional
aspect of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
. The reason is that, it would create a sense of patriotism
as well
as generate revenue, which would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
in boosting economy of a country.
For instance
, in my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
experience, I am a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professional
tennis player and have received tremendous accolades and financial benefits due to this.
As a result
, I donate this amount for the welfare of my state.
However
, the
Possible spelling mistake found.
atheletes
should not exploit this gift for their personal benefits.

Therefore
, I believe whether these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
are encouraged
at school or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professional
level, personality and environmental factors play an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role in choosing how to utilize these gifts.

In conclusion
, while it is beneficial to encourage school learners to learn
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
, I believe it should
also
be promoted
professionally
to lead them to a path of success.
14Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
17Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.
Nelson Mandela

IELTS essay The government should spend money to encourage sports and arts in school children, rather than on professional sports and art performance for the general public. v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
315 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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