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the government should spend as much money as possible on buying or developing the computer technology. other think that the money should be spent on basics need. agree or disagree? v.1

the government should spend as much money as possible on buying or developing the computer technology. other think that the money should be spent on basics need. agree or disagree? v. 1
Education is an important sector in each state all over the world. Some people believe that the government should prioritize the funding allocation towards science literacy instead of any other kind of schooling for a country to be able to grow and evolve. This essay will explain the reason why I believe it is true and provide some supporting facts and opinions related to it. I believe it is important for the ministry to focus more on science-related allocation compared to other subjects, for instance music, sport, and art. The question is: why is it important for the government to prioritize the spending on it? The main reason for that is the number of scientists in the world is decreasing year by year while the country’s need of their existence is increasing. Nowadays, there is a shift in the current generation’s interest regarding their career preferences so becoming a scientist is not as favorable as it was in the past decades. First, it is because to become a trusted professional, they need to pursue higher education. For example, it is a must for a scientist to hold at least a master’s degree. Second, they need to invest more time and money in their studies, in contrast, most of them get a lower salary than expected after finishing a master’s degree. For example, in Indonesia, a bachelor graduate gets almost similar salary with a master graduate. However, in my opinion, if the science literacy is totally free, the interest of pursuing higher education in scientific discipline will increase. Moreover, if the infrastructure of learning science had been well-built, the students would be attracted to learning scientific discipline than other subjects. To sum up, it is important for the government to focus more on allocating their funding to teaching sciences rather than other subjects by giving grants and scholarship both to teachers and students because without scientist, the states will not be able to develop and progress properly.
Education is an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
important
sector in each state all over the world.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should prioritize the funding allocation towards
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
literacy
instead
of any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
kind of schooling for a country to be able to grow and evolve. This essay will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
the reason why I believe it is true and provide
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
supporting facts and opinions related to it.

I believe it is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
important
for the ministry to focus more on science-related allocation compared to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
subjects,
for instance
music, sport, and art. The question is: why is it
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
important
for the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
to prioritize the spending on it? The main reason for
that is
the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
scientists
in the world is decreasing year by year while the country’s need of their existence is increasing.

Nowadays, there is a shift in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
generation’s interest regarding their career preferences
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
becoming a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
scientist
is not as favorable as it was in the past decades.
First
, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
to become a trusted professional, they need to pursue higher education.
For example
, it is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
for a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
scientist
to hold at least a master’s degree. Second, they need to invest more time and money in their studies,
in contrast
, most of them
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a lower salary than
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expected
after finishing a master’s degree.
For example
, in Indonesia, a bachelor graduate
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
gets
almost similar salary with a master graduate.
However
, in my opinion, if the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
literacy is
totally
free, the interest of pursuing higher education in scientific discipline will increase.
Moreover
, if the infrastructure of learning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
had been well-built, the students would
be attracted
to learning scientific discipline than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
subjects.

To sum up, it is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
important
for the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
to focus more on allocating their funding to teaching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sciences
rather
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
subjects by giving grants and scholarship both to teachers and students
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
without
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
scientist
, the states will not be able to develop and progress
properly
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Knowledge of languages is the doorway to wisdom.
Roger Bacon

IELTS essay the government should spend as much money as possible on buying or developing the computer technology. other think that the money should be spent on basics need. agree or disagree? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
326 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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