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Some people think that governments should spend as much money as possible on developing or buying computer technology. Other people disagree and think that this money should be spent on more basic needs. v.2

Some people think that governments should spend as much money as possible on developing or buying computer technology. Other people disagree and think that this money should be spent on more basic needs. v. 2
Man, through the ages has undergone many changes from the time when he depicted a herd of mammoths on the walls of a cave to nowadays when he can chat with anyone across the sea by use of modern means of communication. Some people think that in today's world government should spend more money on computers. However, others think that it is inappropriate and the government should spend more money on food and shelters for poor people, medicine, education, etc. These two options are very different and controversial. But I think that developing computer technology brings people more advantages than they think it does. First of all, humankind nowadays more and more depends on computers. We often do not suspect the presence of computers around us. For example, when we withdraw money from cash machines, get some gasoline on the gas station and pay with our credit cards in the stores. So, nowadays computer technology plays an essential role in our everyday life. Second, computer technology brings more job opportunities. For a country, the computer technology means power, knowledge and constant development. In addition to those practical benefits, the development of computer technology brings a lot of money to the country. From the other side, the government should not forget about poor people, who can not afford computers but need food and shelters. However, I think that computers help people gain more knowledge and experience and find a job to provide food and home for his family. So, basically, computers give people the opportunity to reach their goals and be innovative. To sum up, I think that computer technology gives people many benefits including the opportunity to improve one's knowledge and be more self-confident, persistent and experienced in this world.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Man
, through the ages has undergone
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
from the time when he depicted a herd of mammoths on the walls of a cave to nowadays when he can chat with anyone across the sea by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of modern means of communication.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
that in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
's world
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should spend more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
on computers.
However
, others
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
that it is inappropriate and the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should spend more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
on food and shelters for poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, medicine, education, etc. These two options are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
and controversial.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
that developing computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
brings
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
more advantages than they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
it does.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, humankind nowadays more and more depends on computers. We
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
do not suspect the presence of computers around us.
For example
, when we withdraw
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
from cash machines,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
gasoline on the gas station and pay with our credit cards in the stores.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, nowadays computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
plays an essential role in our everyday life. Second, computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
brings more job opportunities. For a country, the computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
means power, knowledge and constant development.
In addition
to those practical benefits, the development of computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
brings
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
to the country.

From the other side, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should not forget about poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, who can not afford computers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
need food and shelters.
However
, I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
that computers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
gain more knowledge and experience and find a job to provide food and home for his family.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
,
basically
, computers give
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
the opportunity to reach their goals and be innovative.

To sum up, I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
that computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
gives
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
benefits including the opportunity to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
one's knowledge and be more self-confident, persistent and experienced in this world.
5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
23Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that governments should spend as much money as possible on developing or buying computer technology. Other people disagree and think that this money should be spent on more basic needs. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
290 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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