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the government should spend as much money as possible on buying or developing the computer technology. other think that the money should be spent on basics need. agree or disagree? v.2

the government should spend as much money as possible on buying or developing the computer technology. other think that the money should be spent on basics need. agree or disagree? v. 2
Generally speaking, technology is playing a very crucial part in people’s lives. It is important because it simplifies the daily tasks performed by the human. If the people’s opinion is going to be considered, some of them would agree with this topic, others would not. Spending the money on purchasing computer technology is so beneficial for the country for the two following essential reasons. One of the main reason is that the computers have a positive impact on the educational field. In fact, the computers assist the individuals by providing a huge source of information for the students. In the past, the students were struggling to find the kind of the informations they need to do a research or prepare for the test, due to the limited number of the printed materials. Nowadays, the computers facilitate this task. The variety of the articles and the electronic books saved the students time and money. However, one argument put forward is that these information is not always reliable and the students might conceive by unreal editors, it still convincing that the diversity of the websites gave the students a good experience to realize the validity of the information. It is clear how the computer technology make the students lives less complicated. The other obvious reason is that the computers have a plentiful influences on the medical system of a particular country. Being able to store the patients informations, their medical problems and the names of the medications they are using could help the health care providers to avoid any mistakes by mixing up the information and keep tracking the patient health development. In fact, it provides a good safety to the patients lives. Although, many commentator are of the view that the role of the health care provider has been declined significantly due to these computers, It still seems that the benefits far outweigh the drawbacks. It is necessary to provide the hospitals or the Pharmacies with cutting edge technology. By the way of conclusion based on the aspects revealed above, Spending the money of developing or buying computers is a great step the government should do for the reasons mentioned above.
Generally
speaking, technology is playing a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
crucial part in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
’s
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
. It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it simplifies the daily tasks performed by the human. If the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
’s opinion is going to
be considered
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of them would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this topic, others would not. Spending the money on purchasing computer technology is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
beneficial for the country for the two following essential reasons.

One of the main reason is that the computers have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
impact on the educational field. In fact, the computers assist the individuals by providing a huge source of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
. In the past, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
were struggling to find the kind of the
The word 'informations' is a legal term. In standard English, the word 'information' is a non-count noun. Did you mean "information"?
informations
they need to do a research or prepare for the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
test
, due to the limited number of the printed materials. Nowadays, the computers facilitate this task. The variety of the articles and the electronic books saved the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
time and money.
However
, one argument put forward is that these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
is not always reliable and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
might conceive by unreal editors, it
still
convincing that the diversity of the websites gave the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
experience to realize the validity of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
. It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
how the computer technology
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
less complicated.

The other obvious reason is that the computers have a plentiful
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "influence"?
influences
on the medical system of a particular country. Being able to store the patients
The word 'informations' is a legal term. In standard English, the word 'information' is a non-count noun. Did you mean "information"?
informations
, their medical problems and the names of the medications they are using could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
the health care providers to avoid any mistakes by mixing up the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
tracking the patient health development. In fact, it provides a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
safety to the patients
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
. Although,
Possible agreement error. The noun commentator seems to be countable; consider using: "many commentators".
many commentator
are of the view that the role of the health care provider has
been declined
significantly
due to these computers, It
still
seems that the benefits far outweigh the drawbacks. It is necessary to provide the hospitals or the Pharmacies with cutting edge technology.

By the way of conclusion based on the aspects revealed above, Spending the money of developing or buying computers is a great step the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should do for the reasons mentioned above.
4Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
12Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes

IELTS essay the government should spend as much money as possible on buying or developing the computer technology. other think that the money should be spent on basics need. agree or disagree? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
360 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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