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The government should control the amount of violence in films and on television in order to decrease the violent crimes in society. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.3

The government should control the amount of violence in films and on television in order to decrease the violent crimes in society. v. 3
In the high-tech era, crime has become a major issue in all over the world. Violent crimes are increasing day by day due to technology in society. Some people claim that the authorities ought to control the rate of spreading crimes in movies as well as on the technology features for declining in community sectors. I totally agree with this statement. I will discuss the certain reasons behind this phenomenon in the below paragraphs. Since the lawlessness has reached at the peak, many filmmakers create violence movies and telecast on the technology factors. Such as television, computer, and many more. These kind of movies attract to the most innocent youngsters. Which encourage to the people to join in violent films. With this, there are not many chances doing the jobs of the government by the people. So the government should ban these types of movie. And should motivate to children doing studies of the radio programs. In this way help to reduce the amount of crime in society. In addition to it, it is not only the responsibility of the authorities, but also their parents. Parents can reduce the number of watching programs. For example, only parents want to see a better future of their children. And they can set time watching channels as crime of their toddlers. What is more, parents always give mobile and television at the age of 18. Because, they become adults. They are able to do the responsibility of their family members. They earn the money. Because of this, they have no time in order to show the programs. To conclude, even though technology is playing a considerable part and has advanced many factors, but violent films on television spreads bad impacts on children. However, I deem that the government and parents have the equal responsibility reducing the violent crimes.
In the high-tech era,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
has become a major issue in all over the world.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Violent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
are increasing day by day due to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
in society.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
claim that the authorities ought to control the rate of spreading
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
movies
as well
as on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
features for declining in community sectors. I
totally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this statement. I will discuss the certain reasons behind this phenomenon in the below paragraphs.

Since the lawlessness has reached at the peak,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
filmmakers create violence
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
movies
and telecast on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
factors. Such as television, computer, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
more.
Did you mean "this kind" or "These kinds"?
These kind
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
movies
attract to the most innocent youngsters.
“Which” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Which
encourage to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violent
films. With this, there are not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
chances doing the jobs of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should ban these types of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
movie
. And should motivate to children doing studies of the radio programs. In this way
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
in society.

In addition
to it, it is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
the responsibility of the authorities,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Parents
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the number of watching programs.
For example
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
want to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
a better future of their children. And they can set time watching channels as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
of their toddlers.
What is more
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
always give mobile and television at the age of 18.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
, they become adults. They are able to do the responsibility of their family members. They earn the money.
Because of this
, they have no time in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
the programs.

To conclude
,
even though
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
is playing a considerable part and has advanced
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
factors,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violent
films on television spreads
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
impacts on children.
However
, I deem that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
have the equal responsibility reducing the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.
Nelson Mandela

IELTS essay The government should control the amount of violence in films and on television in order to decrease the violent crimes in society. v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
305 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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